Where Do I Fit In Your Life?
by Wicked Raygun
Summary: Is it worth it to tell someone how you feel when they might not feel the same way? B/X and D/Other
1. Prologue

TITLE: Where Do I Fit In Your Life?  
  
AUTHOR: Wicked Raygun  
  
E-MAIL: wicked_raygun@hotmail.com  
  
SUMMARY: Is it worth it to tell someone how you feel?  
  
RELATIONSHIPS: B/X and D/Other  
  
SPOILERS: Some possible Season 6 stuff, but mostly mine.  
  
DISTRIBUTION: No problem. Just let me know where it goes so I can sing sweet nothings in its ear.  
  
DISCLAIMOR: This cannot actually be necessary. Does anyone honestly think that I own these characters in anyway? Well... To anyone who does own a piece of the Buffster and/or any of her friends and enemies, please do not be alarmed. I am merely borrowing your toys to put on a little puppet show and I promise to bring them all back in near-mint condition. Even Spike.  
  
To the good folks at BX-Fanfic who have been so patient with me. I'm still just a growing boy.  
  
  
  
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Prologue  
********  
  
  
  
Brian walked into the Magic Box, home of the strange and the unusual. And that was on a slow day. This place always seemed to humble him. In here sat the Universes' first, last and only line of defense against the dark nasties that creepy crawled around cemeteries, mortuaries and abandoned warehouses around Sunnydale.  
  
  
Well… Okay, maybe they weren't the only line of defense in the universe. But at the bare minimum they had to be the weirdest. These guys were probably the closest things on this planet to being comic book superheroes. Two witches, a teenager who was really a mystical garage door opener, an old man who is part of an ancient society straight out of Highlander, an evil vampire who had been implanted with some sort of behavior modification chip by a "secret" organization of demon hunters run by the government, a woman whose destiny is to fight back the forces of darkness until she dies… again; apparently, third times a charm, and Xander, the so-called "normal one", a statement which is just dripping with irony.  
  
  
Now that Brian gave it some thought, maybe these guys were more like an Anime or Manga. Let's see. Group of young people who have wacky adventures fighting a secret war against Demons in a small town. Yep. The Japanese could be the only ones crazy enough to come up with this stuff.   
  
  
His thoughts, however, drifted once more to the "Mystical Garage Door Opener." Yesterday, she was pouting about the amount of research that was going into their latest "Villain of the Week." She had crossed her arms like she always does when she feels strongly on something and her nose did the most adorable little scrunch. It took every ounce of willpower in him not to take her into his arms and kiss away the lines on her forehead, and the actual moving of his eyeballs so that they wouldn't be staring at her took a lot more effort then that. He was just thankful he didn't get caught by her.  
  
  
He knew he had more then just a simple crush on Dawn. He'd had enough of those to understand the difference. Normally he would have just told the girl and let the chips fall where they may, but it was different with Dawn. With her, he felt like he could be risking something if he told her. Right now she was the only real friend he had. They were able to talk to each other about the weirder things going on in their lives and were really getting close.  
  
  
When he'd first came to Sunnydale it was because his Mom wanted to get away from the "dangerous" city of L.A. From what he'd been told about it later she had the right idea… she just didn't go far enough away. During the summer, he spent his time just walking around with his older brother, Danny. They became close. Closer then they had ever been in L.A. The walks became less and less about something to do to get rid of boredom and more about talking to each other about anything and everything; although, finding out his older brother wasn't a virgin left him with some disturbing visuals for a long time.  
  
  
One day, they heard about the local night club, The Bronze. Brian had been honestly surprised when his older brother invited him along to "check out the girls in Sunnydale." The night had been a bust for him, personally, but his brother caught the eyes of someone at the bar. Some brunette who looked a little older then his brother.  
  
  
If I knew then, what I know now…   
  
  
Of course it turned out she was a vampire. She got him to the back of the Bronze, with the pretense of "getting some air," when she vamped-out.  
  
  
Feeling pretty dejected by the lack of any interesting prospects, Brian, decided to tell his brother that he was going to call it a night and walk home by himself. He found his brother being drained by one of the undead denizens of Sunnydale.  
  
  
His first reaction was to cheer on his brother. He just assumed he was getting a hickey and as the little brother it was his job, nay sacred duty to take every opportunity to annoy his big brother. But then she turned toward him, eyes yellow and bloodshot, forehead menacingly pulled together and fangs bared and bloody…  
  
  
His second reaction was to scream.  
  
  
His salvation came in the form of a redhead, a blonde, and a flying stake.  
  
  
After promising that if they didn't let him help that he would just go out there and find ways to kill vampires anyway, they let him into the circle. Dawn was the most adamant about letting him help them. She knew the pain of losing a sibling and at the time was still reeling from it. They soon became friends and by the time school started they had bonded.  
  
  
They had both lost so much.  
  
  
Then Big Sis came back. That in and of itself was beyond weird. And other then a little bit of jealousy about the fact that her sister got to come back from the dead, he was extremely happy for her.  
  
  
When Buffy first saw Dawn, they had been sitting in the Magic Box talking about the horrors of Geometry. After the initial group hugs and crying fits, something which made Brian feel more then a little left out, he was introduced to the famous Slayer.  
  
  
She was shorter then he imagined.  
  
  
After that, things started to run at a more… relaxed pace. Well, I certainly can't say they were normal. But that's just when he realized that he was starting to fall head over heels with Dawn. Up until that point, anything other then friendship hadn't even crossed his mind. Everything was so raw. So new. He could barely keep his Mom together let alone want anything for himself. But the feelings were there and they demanded his attention.  
  
  
So for the past two months he had been debating with himself on whether or not he should tell her his feelings or just bury it and learn to deal. This would be a lot easier if she at least sent some sort of signal that on some level she thought of me as more then a friend. So far she hasn't talked to me about other guys so that's probably a good sign. Unless… No. Bad Brian. I will not go there. The last thing I need right now is THAT bouncing around my brain.   
  
  
Brian looked around the store and only saw Xander at the counter. Which was a little unusual. The place was usually flowing with customers this time of day. Something Brian couldn't decide whether or not was a good thing. If there are THAT many people who need magic supplies…   
  
  
"Hey, Bry." That was the nickname that everyone had been calling him since his inception to the Scooby Gang. Apparently, "Brian" sounds far too normal. Not that he minded at all. The name was really growing on him.  
  
  
"Z'up, Xand. Is Dawn here?" Oh, please don't let him notice the hope in my voice.   
  
  
Xander grinned a little. "No she's with Wills and Tara. They wanted to go out and do girl stuff."  
  
Brian's voice was a little apprehensive. "Girl stuff? You mean things that can't be discussed or done with guys present? I guess it's natural that they'd want some girl only time considering the sheer magnitude of guys around here."  
  
  
Xander laughed. He seems to be bouncing back from that whole Anya thing, rather well. Brian thought.  
  
  
"Tell me about it. I can't begin to tell you the amount of times I wished there was another guy around here. After Riley left I was forced to bond with Spike. And considering how badly I want to stake him, that's just wrong. Like one time after we found about this guy who built a sex-bot… Well, let's just say I really wished there was another guy present for me to bounce my off initial opinions on the subject."  
  
  
A year ago, that sentence would have been weird to Brian  
  
  
A couple of months after Buffy came back from the grave, Anya cast a weird spell that made everybody sing the truth. Apparently she wanted to make sure if Xander would stay faithful. This was the least favorite of Brian's adventures on the Hell Mouth. He spent the entire time avoiding Dawn like the plague. This of course being the Hell Mouth the spell got out of hand and people's lives were risked and Anya had to admit she cast it before anyone else got hurt.  
  
  
Xander was so broken up about Anya doing these things that he decided to stop the plans for their wedding. Fast forward a couple of days and, "Hello, Anyanka." She left town with only the promise that she wouldn't hurt Xander or anyone else in Sunnydale. The last month and a half has been really tough on the guy.   
  
  
Xander and Brian ended up chatting for a while about nothing in particular when Xander asked Brian a question which completely caught him off guard.  
  
  
"So… When are you gonna tell, Dawn?"  
  
  
There's no way he could know. Could he? Screw it! Play dumb, Doofus! Play dumb!   
  
"Uhh, Tell Dawn What?"  
  
  
"Oh don't give me that. I know you got a serious case of Dawn jonsin'. So don't play dumb with me. Are you, or are you not going to tell her?"  
  
  
Oh God, please tell me no else has noticed… Maybe Dawn's even… Oh God.   
  
  
"Am I that obvious?"  
  
  
"Yep."  
  
  
Brian groaned. "Who else knows?"  
  
  
"I think Buffy might have noticed something. But that's because she's been watching Dawn like a hawk lately. And before you ask… No. I don't think she'd tell Dawn."  
  
  
Brian sighed in relief. "I want to tell Dawn. Really. But, I haven't been this close to anyone since my brother died. I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her."  
  
  
"Well take it from a guy who's had feelings for a Summers. You're better off telling her then wondering 'What if' for the rest of your life." Brian looked at Xander a little puzzled. Xander elaborated, "High School. Buffy. Huge crush. Completely head over heels and I do mean that literally."  
  
  
"You had a crush on Buffy?"  
  
  
"Yeah. Although I think maybe 'crush' is the wrong word. I had feelings for her."  
  
  
"So you told her?"  
  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
  
"And what happened?"  
  
  
"She shot me down like an Iraqi fighter jet."  
  
  
"Gee. Thanks. I am so full of confidence right now. You've been a big help."  
  
  
"Listen. The point is that at least I know. I couldn't live with a big 'maybe' hanging over my head. I had to know if she felt what I felt for her."  
  
  
Brian looked to the floor soaking in all of what Xander had just said.  
  
  
"I don't believe in Soul-mates, Bry. If I did then there wouldn't be so many divorces and everybody would get to live happily ever after. Life and love are tough. Relationships are something you have to work for and aren't something handed to you from above. You just have to find someone who makes you happy and who you make happy too."  
  
  
"I'm not sure if it's that easy. There's a good possibility that I love her. It's completely scary."  
  
  
"I felt the same way with Buffy. I had never before in my life had a woman in my thoughts day in and day out. I really cared for her and wanted only the best for her. I wanted to spend my life making her smile because to me it was the most beautiful thing in the universe. Is that how you feel about Dawn?"  
  
  
Brian nodded his head feeling very surprised that Xander had described almost to a tee what he felt for Dawn.  
  
  
Xander looked thoughtful for a moment and continued, "Then let me tell you something I've learned about love. Love isn't love unless it's mutual. Unrequited love isn't real. I told my feelings to Buffy and I found out that there could never be THAT kind of mutual intimacy. But I did find that we could love one another as great friends. You need to find out what kind of relationship can be possible with Dawn, Bry. If nothing else then for your own peace of mind."  
  
  
"That makes sense man. It really does, but… What if she doesn't feel THAT way about me?"  
  
  
Xander grinned a little and said in a completely sincere voice, "Then I'll introduce you to the wonderful world of country music."  
  
  
"Country music?"  
  
  
"Country music. The music of pain. Nothing better for a broken heart. Take it from someone who knows the routine."  
  
  
Brian and Xander then began to talk about ways to explain how he felt about Dawn not knowing that a certain Slayer had been listening in on the conversation. Feeling very sad, Buffy hugged herself and felt a lifetime of regret.  
  
  
******To*Be*Continued******  
  
  



	2. Part One

  
  
  
*********  
Part One  
*********  
  
Buffy punches the puffy-suited Xander, taking out all her frustrations about the recent revelation that Spike wants her. She simply cannot comprehend the idea and is repulsed and confused by it. It seems so sick. Spike is stealing my underwear and has a shrine of me, for the love of God. Am I so messed up that he's the only type of guy who'll want me?   
  
  
"Spike!" She hits Xander. "Spike wants me, how obscene is that?" she asks as her arms are thrown in the air in frustration.  
  
  
From behind her, she can hear Giles as she continues to hit Xander. "Well, it is very strange. I can't imagine what he's thinking." He stands up and begins to take back what he feels may have been somewhat insulting. "Uh, not, not that you're not, uh, attractive…"  
  
  
Buffy stops her assault on Xander. "I feel gross, you know, like, like, dirty." Her eyes narrow at the thought of Spike actually thinking that she had given him any hint that she would want him like that and she once again begins pummeling Xander, forgetting he was in the padding.  
  
  
"That's ridiculous, you can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or, feels," he tries to assure her.  
  
  
Buffy stops punching again. "Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, 'woof, that's the one for me!'" She imagines Spike is the target she's punching and begins to violently hit it. She punches several times, each hit harder then the last and then finishes by viciously kneeing its groin area.  
  
  
Giles is worried about her violent outburst. "Buffy I think perhaps you should calm down."  
  
  
"Me too."  
  
  
Buffy immediately remembers who she was attacking and a look of horror passes over her face. Oh God, I hurt Xander. "Oh! Puffy Xander, uh, I'm sorry, I got... guess I got carried away." She removes the fencing mask he was using to shield his face and gives it to Giles. Xander's mouth hangs open as he tries to take in large gulps of air to replace what was forcefully expelled from his lungs by Buffy's venting. "Are you okay?"  
  
  
By the sound of his voice he is obviously hurt. "I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain."  
  
  
"Do you wanna sit down?"  
  
  
His head slightly shakes side-to-side in a negative. "I'm not that bendy." His eyes light up as he looks to the wall hopefully and points to it. "I could lean."  
  
  
"I'll get some ice," Giles says before leaving them alone.  
  
  
Buffy helps Puffy Xander waddle over to the wall and leans him against it. Xander sighs loudly, thankful to be off his feet.  
  
  
"Comfy?" Buffy asks.  
  
  
"Oh, yeah. This leaning? This is the stuff."  
  
  
Still not fully finished with venting her frustration, Buffy begins to rant. "That's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple really, you slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell-"  
  
  
"Buff…"  
  
  
"...and sure, the nice guys, they'll run away, but every now and then you'll meet a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it."  
  
  
Tired of Buffy blaming herself, Xander decides to reassure her. "Buffy..." He jerks his head sideways trying to get the momentum to standup on his own, but he fails miserably and succeeds in only wobbling a little. "Stand me up." Buffy helps him stand up straight. As he begins to lose his balance and slants toward Buffy, she puts her hands on the puffy stomach to stabilize him. Xander wishes he could look at Buffy in the eyes better but the large puffy suit inhibits that. "The problem is not you. Don't do this to yourself, please."  
  
  
"It's just..." Buffy looks down feeling slightly embarrassed talking about this to Xander. "I just wanna know that there's gonna be another good one. One that I won't chase away."  
  
  
Xander's eyes express a compassion and sense of love that Buffy had to admit she had many times been curious about. Nothing in those eyes would ever hurt her on purpose. His voice resonates with honesty as he tells her, "There will be. Promise. He's out there, he could come along any minute."  
  
  
Not wanting to feel comforted despite the emotion in Xander's deep, beautiful, brown eyes, Buffy responds in a resigned tone, "Yeah, and the minute after that I can terrify him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement."  
  
  
"What? I don't think you're like that." He's so beautiful when his eyes do that.   
  
  
Thinking this conversation is allowing her emotions to run into a very dangerous path, Buffy changes the subject. "Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes, I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?" Oh please Xander, don't keep looking at me like that.   
  
  
"Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in love with you."  
  
  
And just like that every wall she had ever put up around her heart came crashing down.   
  
  
Every pang of pain that she wasn't good enough for anyone. Every insecurity about her personality. Every hurtful memory that callused her soul. Everything. It all melted with the simple heartfelt words of this beautiful, beautiful, man.  
  
  
He had touched her very soul with his essence.  
  
  
Now she wanted to hold him.  
  
  
She needed to hold him.  
  
  
"Xander, that's..." Words failed her. She never knew what to say at times like these. "Aw!" That sound escaped her lips as pure joy. Her soul spoke. And it hadn't uttered a single word. She rushed to him and put her hands around Xander's neck. She was surprised to find that her head rested on his strong, full, chest instead of the massive puffy suit from earlier. Rather then question she closed her eyes, moaned softly and deepened her grip around him, enjoying the prickling, pleasant tingle it was releasing deep within her chest.  
  
  
"This is the day you choose to hug me?" He shakes his head and sighs in an amused manner.  
  
  
Those words held such a deeper meaning. Why? Why had she not allowed herself to be touched like this by him. To be held and caressed by him. To truly be one with him. To feel at peace with him? It was always there.  
  
  
Why did she wait until now? Now that he couldn't love like her like that anymore? Now that he completed the spirit of another?  
  
  
"Buffy?" She hoped she understood the tone in his voice the right way. Because if she did then she could still feel that love for her. She opened her eyes in response and grunted a contented noise of acknowledgement. "You ever think maybe the reason you haven't found a great relationship on the Hellmouth is... because it's a Hellmouth? Seems to me it's a pretty terrible place to try to build anything."  
  
  
She looked up at him and spoke from the soul. With no barriers of fear of what it could do to the friendship they had together, for that was how he left her. With no walls. If she waited… If she allowed herself the time to rebuild those walls she would never have the courage to say and do what she wanted to right now. "Or maybe… I just haven't looked in the right place?" Her hands raised to touch his chin and ruffle his hair in her fingers.  
  
Xander had touched her in an unbelievable way mentally. Their eyes met and she pleaded silently for him to do the same… physically. Kiss me, Xander. Oh god I need you. Kiss me please! Another moan escaped her. This one slower and sultry.  
  
  
"I need you, too." His voice was low, husky and quiet.  
  
  
It made her melt. Her breath hitched and she felt sparks at the small of her back where his hands made contact with her body.  
  
  
"How?" She dared to ask. "How do you need me?"  
  
  
"I need you to wake up."  
  
  
"What?"  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
"Wake up Buffy. Wake up."  
  
  
Buffy opened her eyes to find deep brown eyes staring at her. "Xander?" she said quietly.  
  
  
"That's my name. Don't wear it out."  
  
  
Buffy didn't even bother to roll her eyes at the tremendously immature joke. She was upset. She liked her dream and wanted to go back to it. Back to the place where Xander had feelings about her.  
  
  
Back when they were about to…  
  
  
"Umm, Xander?"  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
"Why did you wake me up? I was enjoying my nap."  
  
  
"Yeah I bet," he said nervously and quietly.  
  
  
"What does that mean?" He doesn't know, does he?"   
  
  
"Well… Buffy… You were…heh… um," He blushed a little. "You were…moaning," he finished quietly.  
  
  
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Please tell me I didn't say anything. Riley used to say I talked in my sleep. She tried to cover her embarrassment by looking at the floor and hoping that Xander wouldn't see the cheeks which she knew had to be reddening by the second. "I… I do not moan," she protested.  
  
  
Seeing an opening that would probably never present itself ever again, Xander decided to milk this for all it was worth. "Oh of course not. The sexually loaded noises you were making were completely in sync with someone dreaming about pink, fluffy, clouds."  
  
  
"I was not moaning," she said more forcefully trying to not smile.  
  
  
"Buffy, either you were moaning or you have the most arousing snoring on this planet."  
  
  
"I don't snore!"  
  
  
"Ah-hah! You admit it! You were moaning!" he said with his face smug.  
  
  
"Okay! I may have been having less then… peaceful dreams. And before you come back with a remark may I say, 'Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.'" Buffy crossed her arms waiting for Xander to continue.  
  
  
Well, she has me there. "Understood. No stone casting for this sinner. But if you wouldn't mind you should probably take your raunchy sex dreams out of the store. I have no idea what I would have had to say if a customer, or worse, Giles, was here hearing you do THAT."  
  
  
"Well if you were Anya, you'd probably get the customer to think I'd just drank some kooky aphrodisiac that we make in the store, and then sell him that purple stuff that smells funny."  
  
  
Xander looked down. "Yeah that, uh, that does kinda, uh, sound like something Anya would do." He began to turn away.  
  
  
Oh my God. What kind of insensitive bitch am I? "Oh, Xander… I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to… I just… I'm sorry." Buffy felt heartbroken. She hadn't meant to bring up Anya around Xander, knowing how sensitive he still felt about it.  
  
  
"It's okay, Buff. I know you didn't mean anything by it. I'm just still… Well the word depressed wouldn't really do me much justice."  
  
  
"That bad?"  
  
  
His voice was quiet. "Yeah. But I guess it serves me right. You all tried to warn me about her but I refused to listen. I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? Mantises, mummies, witches, slayers, vengeance demons. I cannot believe the closest thing to normal was Cordelia!"  
  
  
"You shouldn't beat yourself up over this, Xand. It's not your fault."  
  
  
"Really? 'Cause my lack of happiness would like to differ."  
  
  
"Xander… One day-"  
  
  
"I'm not in the mood, Buffy."  
  
  
"Well, get in the mood because I'm sick and tired of seeing you moping about something that wasn't your fault."  
  
  
" If I hadn't been so hard on Anya about doing that spell she never would have left me."  
  
  
"Maybe. And maybe if I had run faster then I could have caught Riley's helicopter and he never would have left Sunnydale. Maybe if I had gone home right away instead of flir- um, talking with you then I could have gotten my mom to the hospital quicker and she'd still be alive… Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. You can't punish yourself with maybes, Xand.  
  
  
"Buffy I… I'm scared, okay. I'm twenty-one, and I'm scared to death I'm never gonna find love again."  
  
  
"Oh, Xander." Buffy moved to him and pulled him into a comforting embrace, which he accepted gladly. Sometimes words don't do justice to express how a person feels. "Xander. You're going to find someone. Someone amazing. Someone who'll love you the way you deserve. You're too special a guy to not have someone." Buffy hurt on the inside even if she didn't show it externally. She wished she could be that someone, but she knew it would never be. She had wasted her chances and hurt him far too often for that to happen now.  
  
  
"I hope you're right. I don't want to be alone."  
  
  
Buffy's grip on him increased and she soaked in as much of Xander as she possibly could. I don't deserve to have him. But at least for a few moments, in the universe I've created in his arms, he can be mine.   
  
  
"You're not alone, Xander. I wouldn't let that happen."  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Bry should have been alert, or at least more aware of his surroundings then he was at the moment. He twirled his stake in his fingers, using the movement to keep his mind somewhat planted in the present so he wouldn't get himself killed. His mind kept wondering to a certain teenager in long brown hair.  
  
  
God, she had pretty hair. It was so soft and flow-y. He could remember the way it smelled of strawberries and kiwi in the morning's when her hair was still a little damp from her shower. It was always mixed with the scent of Dove soap. Kiwis and strawberries. That reminded him of how thirsty he was. A snapple would really hit the spot, right about now-  
  
  
He heard a dull thud. He looked at the ground to see that the stake he had been twirling in his fingers had fallen out of them.  
  
  
Right. Focus, Bry. Focus. Graveyard. Waiting for dead guy to rise. Must stay alert. As he picked up his stake he let out a yawn.  
  
  
"Tired, Bry?"  
  
  
Bry turned toward his friend and love coach, Xander Harris. "Yeah. Sorry Xand, but I stayed up last night reading for a test I had this morning. Y'know, people are always like, 'No biggie. I'll read the book tomorrow.' Then after a few weeks you find out there's a test for it 'tomorrow' and you end up spending 'tonight' reading the dang thing. By the way, 'Great Expectations': highly over-rated and nothing like the movie. 'One of the greatest pieces of English literature', my ass!"  
  
  
"I take it you failed."  
  
  
"The large blanks on my test would probably agree with you." Bry yawned again. "Oh man. When you go help fight evil they don't mention the long hours of nothing in the brochure. How come you're not going insane?"  
  
  
"I guess I'm used to it. Been doing this since I was sixteen. After awhile you learn to take this time to reflect upon yourself and ponder your next step in life."  
  
  
"And for someone like me, who doesn't have the foresight of 'two hours from now'?"  
  
  
"Buy a Gameboy."  
  
  
"Check."  
  
  
After about fifteen seconds, Bry decides to keep the conversation going. "So… What's the battle plan? How do we take this bloodsucker down?"  
  
  
Xander turned to him amused. " You want something more detailed then 'stake in the heart'?"  
  
  
"Well, when you put it like that… yes."  
  
  
"Alright. We're here waiting for a Jake Phillips to wake up. Spike is circling around the perimeter in case his sire or anything else undead-like shows up. He'll be watching our backs, keeping us safe… Man that sentence would have sounded so weird a couple of years ago…This is a simple extermination. Take care of the vamp before it becomes a problem."  
  
  
"Cool. I love it when they go 'poof'. It justs looks so… Houdini. Hey, Xander?"  
  
  
"Yeah, Bry?"  
  
  
"What do you say you let me take him down?"  
  
  
"I don't think that's a good idea."  
  
  
"Oh come on! Why not?"  
  
  
"You don't have the experience-"  
  
  
"Well, of course, I don't. And how do you expect me to gain any if I don't do it myself? I'll be real careful and you'll be there to back me up. I trust you."  
  
  
"It's not about trust here. It's about a very real chance of dying. I don't think deadness would agree with you."  
  
  
"Come on. This is about as close to a bunny slope for demon fighting as I'm going to get. You said it yourself, I should know how to defend myself."  
  
  
Xander closed his eyes and mentally debated the pros and cons of this situation. He decided, after a moment, that it was probably not a good idea for Bry to try to take on the vamp on his own, but the Hellmouth, being what it is, was unpredictable at best and therefore it was necessary for them to be prepared in the future. This could very well save their lives. Bry was right. He would have to learn how to deal with vamps sooner or later. And besides, it was better that the first vampire he staked not have a familiar face on it.  
  
  
"Okay-"  
  
  
"Alright!"  
  
  
"… But, I'll be right behind you in case anything goes wrong. And if you breathe a word of this to anybody, I swear to God, you'll wish you died here. Is that understood."  
  
  
"Yes sir!" Bry jumped to attention and mock saluted.  
  
  
Xander stared at him disbelievingly. "Buffy's gonna kill me."  
  
  
"Yeah we wouldn't want Slayer to know about this, would we?"  
  
  
"Gah!" Xander turned around rapidly, his defenses ready, only to find a smirking bleach blond vampire leaning on a tombstone smoking a cigarette. "Jesus, Spike!"  
  
  
"Actually I don't think J.C. was a smoker, but thanks for the comparison."  
  
  
"You almost gave me a heart attack."  
  
  
Spike's eyes looked almost innocent for a second as he spoke, "Really? You're not just saying that?"  
  
  
Xander rolled his eyes and tried to remember why he doesn't kill Spike, now He looks after Dawn. He looks after Dawn. He looks after Dawn. He looks after Dawn. He looks after Dawn. "Spike… Did you find any trouble out there?"  
  
  
"Nah. Just one bleeding vamp. This feller's sire, I'm guessing. Probably wanted to start his own brood. Brings back memories it does." Spike's eyes glazed over with a wistful remembrance of times as the Big Bad, starting his own little family.  
  
  
"That's… Disturbing." Bry interjected. "Anyway I'm glad you're alright." He shook his own head at the notion of feeling worry for a vampire. But damn, life is complicated.   
  
  
"Ahh, I almost forgot why I interrupted you two wankers." Spike directed his eyes to Xander, his mouth turned up in the most mocking grin he had ever seen. "Slayer be right upset she found out you were putting the runt in any danger. Might be worth something for her not to find out, don't you think?"  
  
  
"You're fleecing me for money."  
  
  
"Yeah. Don't you love it?"  
  
  
"Okay. How much?"  
  
  
"Oh I'm thinking a hundred oughtta cover it."  
  
  
"A hundred dollars! You're crazier then you're ex-girlfriend, if you think I'm going to pay that!"  
  
  
"Well if you just want me to go and fetch Buffy then-"  
  
  
"Twenty."  
  
  
"You're outta your 'ead, boy. Eighty."  
  
  
"Thirty. A penny more and I tell Buffy myself."  
  
  
"Fifty."  
  
  
"That wasn't room for negotiation, Spike. That was a final offer. Either take the thirty so I can avoid a headache or don't and I'll just go ahead and tell Buffy myself."  
  
  
"You drive a hard bargain, Monkey Boy. You're just like your gal… Oh wait, she left you to become a demon. Willingly. That must just eat you up, huh?"  
  
  
With those familiar words echoing in his brain, Xander jumped toward Spike and delivered a nasty right cross. Spike staggered for a second before Xander followed up with a kick to his abdomen, which caused him to buckle over and fall.  
  
  
Spike's vamp face took over his features but he restrained from hitting Xander, knowing that the chip would simply not allow it. I promised Buffy I'd protect Nibblet. But if I ever get my chip out this wanker's going down. "What's the matter? Touch a nerve there, droopy?"  
  
  
"Shut up Spike."  
  
  
"Hey, if it means anything to you, I liked the girl. Always knew where I stood with her. Which is more then what I can say with that Slayer. Always acting so high and mighty even after she kissed me-"  
  
  
"Whoah! Back up there, Evil Dead. You're flashbacking to your Buffy-Bot days… Buffy never kissed you."  
  
  
Spike scoffed, amazed that he now had new ammunition to attack Xander with. "Oh, I see. Miss Back-From-the-Dead didn't tell you, eh? Me and the Buff One shared a very special, very passionate, very loving, kiss. And if I do say so myself, we connected Droopy."  
  
  
Xander didn't want to believe it. He wanted to believe that Buffy wouldn't willingly do something like that to herself. But then again, he never thought Buffy would be capable of sleeping with someone after the first date, either. He trusted Buffy. "You're lying. Buffy wouldn't kiss you. Not if she was in her right mind."  
  
  
"Oh she was in her right mind alright. Hell, she tricked me into kissing HER."  
  
  
Bry watched as the freshly placed earth on top of Jake Phillips grave began to shift and part. A hand emerged from the soil and grabbed the ground, seeking leverage for the ascent into the open air. For vampires this was symbolic of the struggle to rid one's self of the vile existence known as humanity. Although it would be much easier for a sire to simply take his newly made child to their nest; many preferred to make their children earn their right to be reborn. Much like seeing God at the end of the tunnel, they would make sure the first person they would see was the one they would call "Master". So that they would know who to thank for their new existence.  
  
  
"Um… G-Guys?"  
  
  
The argument between Spike and Xander waged on.  
  
  
"What do you mean, 'she tricked you'?"  
  
  
"She dressed as the Buffy-Bot and made me kiss her."  
  
  
"Hey Guys," Bry sing-songed urgently.  
  
  
Jake Phillips now had both of his arms out and his head was poking out from the grave. His features were fully vampiric. He looked very hungry.  
  
  
"What?!? Buffy wouldn't seduce you!"  
  
  
"What's a matter, Monkey Boy? Jealous?"  
  
  
Bry looked at Jake Phillips and figured that this was his chance. I can handle one measly vamp. No problem. He jogged over to Jake, stake in hand, ready to deliver the killing blow that would make this vamp Houdini.  
  
  
Bry stopped right in front of him, pulled back his right fist, which held his stake, and let it fly. He was rewarded when it connected with a smooth "whack" and the sight of Jake's head thrown back. His Cheshire-cat smile was evidence to his pride in his handiwork.  
  
  
Jake slowly turned his head to Bry, an expression of annoyance instead of pain on his face. "What the hell was that?" he asked annoyed.  
  
  
Bry looked to his fist disbelievingly. "Unfortunately… My best punch. GUYS!!" he called out.  
  
  
"WHAT?!?" the two answered simultaneously. They took in the scene and ran to help Bry, their argument momentarily forgotten.  
  
  
Bry, who had turned to face Spike and Xander, didn't notice when a certain Jake Phillips grabbed him from behind and threw him in a collision course for his patrol mates. Spike caught Bry but was thrown down with him due to the momentum of his flying through the air; Xander, however, avoided the whole mess and went on to charge the newly risen vampire.  
  
  
Xander shoulder-tackled him. He dove for his body as soon as it hit the floor, his stake leading. Jake used his unnatural speed to dive to the side. Xander's stake missed the heart but nailed his shoulder instead. A howl of pain violated the graveyard's silence.  
  
  
Meanwhile, Bry and Spike had untangled themselves. Bry was the first one up due to Spike's indifference. I hope Droopy falls on his own stake. , he thought.  
  
  
Bry rushed over to help Xander.  
  
  
Xander tried to remove his stake in order to try for the killing blow again, but the damn thing was stuck. More yelps of pain were heard from Jake as the stake violently shifted in his shoulder. Angrily, he punched straight out with full force, clipping Xander in the shoulder. While not enough to seriously hurt him, this was more then enough to throw Xander back a few feet, allowing Jake the time to get up and reorient himself.  
  
  
Or it would have been if not for the sharp piece of wood that suddenly poked out of his chest… on the opposite side of where the heart would be. Once again the feral screams of a Jake Phillips broke into the air.  
  
  
"Xander!! He's not poofing!!"  
  
  
"The heart's on the other side! The other side!"  
  
  
The stake was removed and replunged, this time in the correct place. Xander swore he saw Jake Phillips mouth a "thank you" before he exploded in ash. Once the dust had settled, Xander saw Bry doing what could only be described as a happy dance.  
  
  
"I got one! I got one!"  
  
  
Xander smiled despite the sore in his shoulder that was becoming more apparent now that his adrenaline levels were dropping back to normal.  
  
  
Spike sauntered up to them now, puffing a cigarette lazily. "Yeah good for you, runt." He turned to Xander. "Can I have my money now?"  
  
  
Xander's eyes narrowed. "Not until you apologize for what you said about Buffy."  
  
  
Spike smirked. "You don't believe me? Tell you what, keep your money. But why don't you go ahead and ask Buffy, and when she denies it, look into her eyes and you'll know that I got to her." Spike threw his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it. "You don't know you're sweet Buffy as well as you think. Sweet dreams kids." And with that he left.  
  
  
Xander's mouth was wired shut. His doubts stinging his mind like bees. Buffy wouldn't do that… Would she?   
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Bry, sat in Xander's car completely unable to move. He had sent several messages to his legs and the reply kept coming back as a big "Not in this lifetime!" After a while Xander was forced to get out of his car, open the passenger side door and physically pull Bry out from his vehicle.  
  
  
Bry looked up at Xander. "Y'know, I was just about to do that."  
  
  
"Sure you were."  
  
  
Bry looked at the new Sunnydale High and reminded himself of all the advice Xander had given him. He gulped loudly and prayed that today would be a good day. God, I've been fairly good lately. What do you say we call a truce and let me have some of that good luck I keep hearing about, eh?   
  
  
"Earth to Bry!"  
  
  
"Wha? Oh sorry there, Xand. Kinda spaced out there for a moment. I was praying. I figured it'd be a good idea to have Him on my side."  
  
  
"Nervous, huh?"  
  
  
Bry scoffed. "Nervous?!? Ha! I wish I was nervous. Nervous would be me tittering uncontrollably. Nervous would be me with sweaty, cold, clammy palms. Nervous would be a relief from what I'm feeling now. This is mind-numbing, paralyzing, stomach-rolling, heart-clenching fear."  
  
  
"Well at least you're not nervous."  
  
  
Bry stared at Xander wide-eyed.  
  
  
"Careful. Your eyes might fall out of their sockets."  
  
  
"Oh God, I'm doomed."  
  
  
"You're too uptight. You're gonna have to relax, Bry. The last thing you wanna do is come up to Dawn and start babbling like a brook."  
  
  
Bry smiled genuinely. "Dawn's really cute when she starts babbling. Her nose does thing. And her eyes- What?", he said at Xander's odd look.  
  
  
"You better tell Dawn how you feel before someone else notices that thing with her nose, doncha think?"  
  
  
"Yeah. You're right. I am now motivated. Things will start happening. I shall begin to move, find Dawn, tell her how I feel and hope she feels the same way." Nothing happened.  
  
  
"You're not moving."  
  
  
"You noticed that, too?"  
  
  
"Come on Bry, you can do this. Where's the Bad Ass Bry that helped me take down a vamp and then dusted him with his own stake?"  
  
  
"Bad Ass Bry isn't home right now. But if you'd like to leave a message he'll get right back to you."  
  
  
"Stop stalling. You know this is right. You can't just keep your feelings bottled up. There's nothing more painful then regret. Once you tell her, the weight will be lifted and you can breathe easier."  
  
  
"Actually…" Takes a deep breath. "It isn't all that heavy and I'm breathing just fine. Well thanks anyway Xand-" Xander gives him another look. "Alright. I'm can do this. I WILL do this. I am a man."  
  
  
"You are THE man," Xander corrected.  
  
  
"I am THE man. See you later, Xander. There's a beautiful woman in there dying to get to know me." Bry began walking triumphantly towards the school. His back was arched, his chest puffed out in front of him and his body was swaggering with confidence. After about six steps he froze and clumsily hurried back to Xander.  
  
  
"Are you sure no one's ever died of rejection?"  
  
  
"GO!"  
  
  
"Going."  
  
  
Bry entered his high school preparing to tell Dawn his feelings. He and Xander had jokingly dubbed their plan "Operation: Dead by Dawn" and this was D-Day. It seemed very fitting to Bry. Although, he seriously wondered if the folks planning the invasion of Normandy had any where near the fear he has now. He will find Dawn and tell her how he feels. Of that there is no doubt. He knows there's a very good chance that she may not feel the same way and is prepared in that event to understand, step aside and be just her friend.  
  
  
I just need to know where I fit in her life. Hopefully it'll be next to her snuggling, warm and cozy. Oh my God. There she is.  
  
  
He saw the object of his affections at their usual meeting place of the Quad talking to Lisa. Feeling a last second moment of uncertainty he decides to go to the bathroom first and look himself over.  
  
  
He stepped into the Boy's Room and checked his reflection in the mirror. His brown hair was slicked backed instead of forward like he usually wore it using more then his normal amount of hair gel. He was clean shaven and dashed with a little Old Spice along with a hint of his brother's CK-1. The real stuff not the imitation crap. He wore a brand new pair of dark blue wide-leg jeans complimented by a tight black undershirt and a blue shirt over that.  
  
  
He was definitely "dressed to impress," as the saying goes.  
  
  
Bry took out his Tic-Tacs from his backpack and chewed one quickly, enjoying the immediate release of minty freshness invading his mouth.  
  
  
"Now or never," he whispered to himself.  
  
  
He stepped out the bathroom and felt great. There was no more nervousness or fear just a resigned calm. Bry felt at peace and was willing to see what else lay ahead. This one's for you, Danny.   
  
  
"Hey, guys!"  
  
  
Dawn and Lisa, who looked to be talking to one another ecstatically, both waved him over.  
  
  
"Ladies. How are things this fine morning?"  
  
  
Lisa noticed the cheery attitude and the clothes. "My, my. Aren't we feeling fresh as a daisy this morning? Looking for a date to the Dance coming up, like the rest of us?"  
  
  
"I wouldn't be opposed to the idea."  
  
  
"Cool! If you get a date then that means we all get to have someone there with us. I'll be with my boyfriend, Steve, and Dawn will be there with Kevin."  
  
  
And just like that the Universe imploded for, one, Brian Anthony Miller.  
  
  
"Kevin? You mean rich, popular, all-girls-drooling-after-him, Kevin? Why would he want, Dawn?"  
  
  
Dawn looked upset. "What's the matter. Don't you think someone like Kevin would want me?"  
  
  
Danger Will Robinson!! Danger!! "No, no. Wh-What I meant was uh, uh… Congratulations?" he finished weakly.  
  
  
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bry. What's the matter? You don't like Kevin?"  
  
  
Actually. Now that you mention it, I think I'd like to kill Kevin. Yes. It's all clear to me now. Kevin must die.   
  
  
"Bry? Answer me."  
  
  
Damn. I'm spacing out again. Think Brain! Think! Bry need Brain, now!   
  
  
"No, no. I think he's a dream boat." I think he's a WHAT?!?! "Umm, that didn't come out the way I thought it would." Okay. Better. "See? What I mean is… Guys like Kevin usually don't notice how wonderful girls like you are. They usually go after brainless, pretty-packaged airheads, like Kirsty."  
  
  
"But that's what makes Kevin so great. He doesn't like girls like Kirsty. He's willing to look at the person inside. He likes me for me. You don't know how hard it is to find someone like that."  
  
  
Actually, I think I'm getting the picture.   
  
  
"Yeah it's hard. I know. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. It's just-"  
  
  
Bry was interrupted by the tone for first period. He would have continued but Dawn interrupted him by putting her fingers on his lips. He had to resist the urge to kiss them. "You don't have to say anything else, Bry. I know you're just looking after me. I appreciate it." Then she hugged him and left for class.  
  
  
"Where's a vampire when you need one?"  
  
  
  
******To*Be*Contiued******  
  
  



	3. Part Two

TITLE: Where Do I Fit In Your Life?  
  
AUTHOR: Wicked Raygun  
  
E-MAIL: wicked_raygun@hotmail.com  
  
SUMMARY: Is it worth the risk to tell someone how you feel, when they might not feel the same way?  
  
RATING: TV-14. No worse then what's on the show  
  
SPOILERS: Up to "The Gift" and some possible season 6 stuff.  
  
DISCLAIMOR: I refuse to believe this is necessary. Does anyone here actually believe I own this stuff in any way? Well… To the folks who do own a piece of the Buffster and/or her friends and enemies, I mean you no harm. I'm simply borrowing your toys to put on a little puppet show. I promise to bring them all back in near-mint condition. Even Spike.  
  
FEEDBACK: Everyone needs a little love. It makes the world go round and writers post faster.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I finally finished this part. I told you I would. So please sit back and enjoy.  
  
  
  
********  
Part Two  
********  
  
Since Anya left him, Xander has been doing nearly anything and everything in his power to keep busy. He takes as much overtime as is possible at the construction yard, throwing himself into his carpentry. The precision and concentration necessary for the trade allows him to focus. It's almost Zen-like. There is no past or future, only the now. Concentrate on the now and your problems are pushed aside, if only, momentarily. And right now, he really needed that focus.  
  
  
His hands swept along the handsaw. Simple, yet effective. Unlike the brute force of an electric saw, a handsaw relied on your movement, your guidance. Nothing random about it. All factors could be controlled. An electric saw may have been quicker, but there's something to be said about slow and steady.  
  
  
Especially when you want to forget for a while.  
  
  
Unfortunately, he was here for a job. A job that required rapid production at the apparent cost of his tranquility. His hand left the handsaw as he mouthed a silent, "Later," to it. He picked up the buzz saw and begun to cut with smooth, long strokes along the lines he had marked earlier. The loud shriek of a buzz saw was far different from the pleasant rhythmic hum that accompanied a handsaw, but, with enough focus, it still offered that state of calm he was searching for.  
  
  
There was a lot on his mind that he didn't want to think about right now.  
  
  
Most of it had to do with trust. He thought.  
  
  
But Xander had long abandoned himself to his work and so these things had been purged from his mind and would not resurface until later. An inevitability that nagged at him as he methodically and expertly moved about his tasks. Time blurred and except for the call for lunch, which Xander decided to ignore, he was left to his craft. But then the most horrible thing he could imagine happening, did.  
  
  
Work ended. There was no more to do. He had to go home.  
  
  
And just like clockwork, the second he entered his car his problems were back to plague him. It was enough to make him curse, which he did.  
  
  
The bombshell Spike dropped on him last night, still racked his mind. He didn't want to believe him. He much preferred to think that Spike was just being, well, Spike. Xander trusted Buffy; he always had. The idea that she would willingly seduce Spike just didn't seem to fly with what he knew of her.  
  
  
You don't know you're sweet Buffy as well as you think, Spike told him.  
  
  
Xander's grip on his steering wheel became white-knuckle tight. How could she?!?   
  
  
He closed his eyes for a second and breathed deeply, a dangerous thing to do while driving but necessary for Xander to relax. Even if she did kiss Spike, which a big part of him thought unlikely, she didn't owe him any explanations.  
  
  
That thought made him even angrier, and he couldn't figure out why.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Dawn was excited. One of the cutest guys in her school had asked her to the next school dance. That event was still an entire month ahead, but it didn't lessen her excitement any. Kevin had to go on a trip with his folks and because of that he wouldn't be in school for the next week. She thought it was extremely cute the way he said he had to ask her early because he didn't want to risk her being asked by some other guy.  
  
  
Pfft. As if a whole mountain of guys were busting the door down for me.   
  
  
In her hands, she held Kevin's phone number. He told her that he was going to the train station which would take them to the LAX Airport as soon as school was out; so more then likely, he wouldn't be home. But soon, this phone number would allow herself to talk to her first boyfriend. Well, nothing had been made official yet; but still, she felt she had nothing to worry about.  
  
  
Kevin is such a great guy. There really wasn't any reason for Bry to get all brotherly about him. That thought made her sigh.  
  
  
When Buffy died, Bry was the only one she felt had any understanding about what she was going through. They seemed to rely on each other for support in the painful day-to-day rituals of life. The simple act of going into the rooms of their recently deceased siblings had been a three hour discussion on closure. It was after that very discussion that she realized how cute Bry was whenever he got nervous or anxious or how he would straighten out his slouch whenever he felt what he was going to say was really important.  
  
  
But apparently, whatever sort of crush she had simply wasn't returned from Bry. She was used to it. She usually wasn't a blip on the guy radar for those things. It seemed to her that they had become a replacement for each other's lost siblings. Protecting and consoling one another became the initial bond for their relationship. Moving from something like that into something more was probably the last thing on his mind.  
  
  
When Buffy had come back, Dawn decided that she would tell him how she felt. But the one time she tried actually flirting with him, he kept looking at her strangely. Later that day she had come to the conclusion that Bry would probably always see her as the replacement for his brother; especially, since, his brother wasn't going to miraculously come back from the dead. Even her best friend Lisa said that if he hadn't noticed by now then he probably wasn't going to.  
  
  
She was so consumed with her thoughts that she didn't even notice her sister on the couch taking a nap. She walked right passed her and moved into the kitchen intent on making herself a sandwich. When she opened the fridge she saw her sister in the corner of her eye. She quickly turned around fearing the worst. Buffy was stretched out awkwardly in much the same position Dawn had dreamed Buffy found her mom. She panicked.  
  
  
Oh God no! She ran to her sister. "Buffy! Buffy! BUFFY!"  
  
  
The relief that flowed through her when Buffy stirred felt like an enormous weight being lifted off of her chest.  
  
  
Buffy flew into a battle stance worried about her sister's screaming. "Dawn!?! Dawn what is it?!? Is someone here?!?" Buffy was interrupted by a blur of long, brown hair. Dawn held onto Buffy possessively, as if some invisible spirit would attempt to take her away from her at a moment's notice. Her screaming had died down to a steady sobbing as her back arched up in down in labored breaths. "Dawn?" Buffy cooed. "Dawn what's wrong?"  
  
  
Dawn raised her eyes to Buffy's, attempting to act strong. "I… When I saw you laying so still on the couch…" Dawn didn't want to finish that sentence. Buffy looked over to the couch she had been napping on and shuddered, remembering the day she had found her mother there… so still. Buffy just rested there earlier and happened to fall asleep. The thought of that being the couch where her mother had died never crossed her mind.  
  
  
"I'm so sorry Dawn. I just wanted to rest a little. I was really tired from last night's patrol. I-I wasn't thinking… Sorry." Buffy leaned into the embrace and allowed her sister the time to collect herself. After a few more dry heaves, Dawn composed herself long enough to wipe her tears on her sleeve.  
  
  
"Jesus Buffy! Couldn't you have gone to your bed?"  
  
  
"Once again with the 'sorry'." Buffy smiled, hoping to brighten the mood a little. Dawn smiled back.  
  
  
"It's okay, just… NEVER," she emphasized, "Fall asleep on this couch again. Is that clear?"  
  
  
"Crystal."  
  
  
Dawn sighed in relief and moved extra slowly to the kitchen. "You want a sandwich Buffy?"  
  
  
"No that's okay. I'm not that hungry. Besides, I'm supposed to be at the Magic Box-" She paused to look at her watch, and froze in horror. "… Half an hour ago!" Oh God Dawnie I have to leave."  
  
  
"Wait!" Dawn cried out in amusement. "Aren't you going to ask me about my day?"  
  
  
Buffy froze in mid-step at the door, caught between the roles of Responsible Shop Runner Lady and Caring Big Sister Girl. "Umm, Dawn? Can this wait till later? If I don't get to the shop, Giles might just come back from England to kill me." Dawn gave Buffy the great puppy dog eye look she had perfected with Xander's help. Add in the fact that Dawn's eyes were still a little puffy from earlier and the effect was Caring Big Sister Girl throwing Responsible Shop Runner Lady out the window. Buffy smiled in defeat knowing that she had just been manipulated by her baby sister. "How was your day, Dawn?"  
  
  
"Oh, nothing special." Dawn playfully looked to the floor and swung from side-to-side like a little girl who wanted the world to know she had a secret she'd never tell.  
  
  
Buffy knew that look. It was the look only a Summers could get after spending time with a boy. If it wasn't for her new role as caretaker, she would have been bouncing up and down screaming for her sister in happiness. Instead of that, she decided to play along with her sister's little game.  
  
  
"Nothing, eh? 'Nothing' usually doesn't make someone smile that wide. You're holding out on me."  
  
  
"You're very perceptive."  
  
  
"Well?" Buffy said after a pause. Her sister really wanted to prolong this.  
  
  
"I have a date to the school dance," she said smiling.  
  
  
Well I'll be damned. Bry did it. Yay, Bry. Buffy smiled, trying not to act like she knew about Xander and Bry's Operation: Dead by Dawn. "Oh Dawn that's so great." Buffy smiled mischievously. "So…Who's the lucky guy? And will I have to be kicking his ass for going near my sister?" she asked with a smirk.  
  
  
"It's Kevin!" Dawn said while bouncing up and down in giddiness.  
  
  
Buffy's face fell in confusion. "Who?"  
  
  
"Oh. You never met him. But… He is so cute." Dawn's face lit up like Christmas tree upon saying that. "And he likes me. Something I've discovered very necessary when pursuing a relationship with a guy."  
  
  
"Yeah that is- Wait! Pursuing?!? You've been pursuing?!? How long has this been happening?"  
  
  
"Buffy you're freaking," Dawn stated flatly.  
  
  
Buffy breathed deeply. "You're right. It's natural to like guys at your age. I shouldn't be worried." Buffy glared at Dawn. "Should I?"  
  
  
"Buffy!"  
  
  
"Okay. Uncalled for. It's just… You're my little sister. And this stuff gives me serious wiggins. Sorry… So before Buffy makes an even bigger ass of her self, Kevin would be?"  
  
  
"I thought you had to go to work?"  
  
  
"You're just going to leave me hanging?" Dawn nodded. "After all that?" She nodded again only this time a bit more comically. Buffy was about to make for the door and go to work when she remembered how Xander had been coaching Bry to get over his fear of rejection and take a chance on telling Dawn how he felt. She thought that maybe she should do something but it was ultimately Dawn's love life. Did I just think she has a love life? Oh god I need air… Okay, even if I don't want to interfere with Dawn's lo- uhh, social life, maybe I should at least let her know she has choices.   
  
  
"Dawn? In all seriousness are you sure that this Kevin guy would be the right guy for you?"  
  
  
"Buffy, you don't have to worry about me. Kevin is a very sweet guy. He even asked me out a month ahead of schedule because he thought that another guy would swoop in on me. Isn't that just the cutest thing?"  
  
  
"The cutest." Buffy kept her tone light but inside she was wincing at the thought of Bry's reaction to hearing that. "What do Bry and Lisa think?"  
  
  
"Well Lisa was screaming with me in the girls bathroom for about ten minutes. She was so excited. Bry was a little apprehensive and he got all older-brotherly. You know how he is: always trying to protect me." Buffy thought that Dawn's voice had a twinge of sadness in it when she said that last part. Maybe Bry has a chance after all. "But after I talked to him, he told me he was cool with it."  
  
  
Oh… Oh, poor Bry. He must have been heart-broken. "So Bry just left it at that?"  
  
  
"Yeah. Why wouldn't he?"  
  
  
Rather then tread on THAT minefield, Buffy decided to change the subject as tactfully as possible. "Oh… No reason. So are you going to see Kevin before the big event?"  
  
  
"Well, we haven't really discussed that… Y'see he kinda had to go to this family thing over in LA. I won't be able to see him until then. But, I do have his phone number. So when he comes back I can talk to him and hopefully we can do some couply stuff to practice."  
  
  
Oh, She'd better be talking about holding hands!   
  
  
Dawn continued, "It's not everyday an amazing guy tells you he wants to dance with you."  
  
  
Buffy smiled sadly. "No... No it isn't."  
  
  
Dawn missed the sad look. "I'm gonna go upstairs and do my homework now. You should get to work. Bye"  
  
  
"Bye Dawn."  
  
  
Dawn left to go upstairs and Buffy stared at the top of the steps. She sighed and went for her jacket but just as she was about to leave the phone rang.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Bry laid on his bed and wondered just how badly life was going to suck for the next few days. It's bad enough I have to deal with tomorrow. But this is just a whole new level of suckage. Man! I shoulda told her how I felt sooner! I couldn't expect someone as great as Dawn to be unnoticed while I took my sweet time on the subject. Serves me right for waiting so damn long. I hope Dawn has a great time with Kevin. I, on the other hand, will take the time that evening to wallow in the pathetic-ness that is my love life or lack there of.   
  
  
Bry groaned and realized that he was supposed to call Xander and tell him how everything went. He really wasn't looking forward to evaluating the complete and utter failure that was "Operation: Dead by Dawn." He reached over to the phone on his desk next to the bed, picked up the receiver and dialed Xander's number. After a few rings the phone was picked up.  
  
  
"Hello?"  
  
  
"Hey, Xand it's me."  
  
  
"Bry? How did everything go?"  
  
  
"Do the words 'Iraqi fighter jet' mean anything to you?"  
  
  
"Oh geez, Bry. I'm so sorry."  
  
  
"Yeah. Looks like I'm gonna have to take you up on the country music."  
  
  
"You got it. I'll come pick you up and we can do some serious caffeine-fueled moping. And, at least you got to tell her how you feel."  
  
  
"…"  
  
  
"You did tell her how you feel, right?"  
  
  
"Not in words… No."  
  
  
"You're kidding me. What happened to THE man?"  
  
  
"THE man spent most of first period gluing back together the shattered remnants of his self-esteem."  
  
  
"No. I mean what went wrong?"  
  
  
Bry explained the whole mess to Xander.  
  
  
"This doesn't change anything, y'know."  
  
  
"I don't follow."  
  
  
"You're still going to have to tell her how you feel."  
  
  
"Oh come on. I stepped up to the plate and got beaned, Man. What else you want?"  
  
  
"Dawn deserves the truth."  
  
  
"You-… I hate it when you do that?"  
  
  
"Do what?"  
  
  
"Make sense."  
  
  
"Yeah, I'm pesky like that. So what you going to do?"  
  
  
"You're asking me? Aren't you the man with the plan?"  
  
  
"There's no real reason to plan this. Just tell her how you feel. Or better yet, show her."  
  
  
"Show her? I don't-" Bry's eyes caught sight of a picture of him and his brother when they went fishing in San Francisco. The picture was of Danny holding a fishing rod while standing next to an upside down Bry, as if he were a fish, in the classic pose that is seen on TV when a large fish has been caught. Underneath the picture was the caption, "Can I throw it back, Mom?" It was one of Bry's favorite memories of his older brother.  
  
  
The picture gave him an idea.  
  
  
"Xander I have just tactically reevaluated 'Operation: Dead by Dawn'."  
  
  
"Huh?"  
  
  
"In English, that means I have an idea."  
  
  
"Need any help?"  
  
  
"Nope. Just need to call Dawn. I'll call you on Monday to tell you how everything went."  
  
  
"Good luck man."  
  
  
"Thanks."  
  
  
Bry, hung up the phone and thought, This'll either be amazing or completely dorky. After breathing deeply to calm his nerves and set his resolve to stick to his plan, he picked up the phone again and dialed Dawn's number. The phone was picked up by Buffy.  
  
  
"Hey Buffy. It's Bry. Can you put your sister on."  
  
  
"Sure, Bry. Just a sec, 'kay." Bry thought that Buffy sounded a little off but decided better not to press any issue other then his plan.  
  
  
Okay Bry. This is it. No turning back, now. Danny… if you're listening I could really use your help on this one. Oh it's Dawn!   
  
  
"Hey Dawn." Bry smiled the second her voice came on the phone. The normally fluttering butterflies in his stomach were now doing complex aerial maneuvers.  
  
  
"Whatcha need Bry?"  
  
  
That depends. What are you offering? No! Not now. I have to keep my cool. "Actually Dawn, I need you." Well ain't THAT the loaded statement. Explain. Quick. "I wanted to know if you could come over to my house for a few hours tomorrow. I have a surprise for you and it's really important to me that you come." That didn't sound TOO desperate, did it?   
  
  
"Sure, Bry. No problem. You need help with something."  
  
  
"I do believe I emphasized the word surprise," he said as he smiled deeply into the receiver.  
  
  
"Oooh, mystery. I like mysteries. Do I get a clue?"  
  
  
Bry thought it best to keep the tone of this conversation light. "Nope. You get a night of tossing and turning wondering about it."  
  
  
"You're cruel."  
  
  
"I'd like to think of myself as shrewd."  
  
  
"Alright. Seeya tomorrow."  
  
  
After Bry set a time for her to come over and said his goodbye he hung up and went to prepare for tomorrow.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Xander hung up his phone, mentally wishing Bry good luck, and then returned to his previous position of one arm dangling haphazardly off his bed, the other located behind his head and with one leg tucked behind the other lazily. His body had been laying in that awkward position since he had returned home. There was no conscious attempt to be that way. He had simply fallen in a heap onto his bed, discomfort of the body giving away to sheer mental exhaustion.  
  
  
It had been a long ride home.  
  
  
Xander's hair was matted to his forehead, the sweat that had previously been there was now dried and left specks of salt and grime that uncomfortably settled on top of his skin, making its presence known. His normally tucked-in jean shirt was left half out from when he squirmed to pick up Bry's phone call revealing the curly, black hair on his lower stomach. The fold that the shirt created had bunched into a small ball which burrowed into the space above his hips. Xander needed to get out of his work clothes and into the shower. But at the moment he was far too busy tossing ideas around in his head.  
  
  
Spike had to be lying. Buffy knows that kissing him would be stupid. How many people would willingly kiss their stalker? I mean after the Buffy-bot and the Buffy-shrine she wouldn't… Well, he didn't rat out Dawn to Glory. I guess that was pretty cool of him… But still, Buffy wouldn't… Maybe, she'd be thankful enough for a hug, which would be pushing it way too far anyway… But not a kiss. That's too romantic and Buffy knows not to lead a guy on. Right? I mean, I know that she wasn't in her best frame of mind, what with Gory, her sister and her mom… But it just seems so out of character for her.   
  
  
The fact that Xander couldn't even get a consensus in his own head was beginning to bother him a great deal. He felt… well he wasn't sure anymore, but he knew that he would always have concern for Buffy. That was non-negotiable and something that he'd take to his grave. When she was willing to stay angry at Riley and let him leave, Xander gave her the right kick in the ass to make her realize that no matter what she should find him and tell him how she felt. Even if she didn't love him, he deserved to know for sure, instead of having some huge question mark above his relationship with her. He had always done his best to protect her in the matters of the heart because it was the only thing he was good at protecting her from. His previous feelings aside, he just wanted her to learn from her mistakes and find someone to make her happy.  
  
  
And Buffy had messed up along the roads of love. Everyone does. A person would have to be either unbelievably naive or incredibly arrogant to believe that they would get it right the first time around. She tried to carry on a relationship with Angel, who could never give her what she truly wanted and deserved: normalcy. She had slept with Parker after only knowing him a few days. She had ignored Riley to the point of him feeling useless and unloved. Those were mistakes she had made in the past. Each and every situation was more complicated then just that. Mistakes had been made on both sides. But the underlying theme was to learn and grow with each passing relationship.  
  
  
But to start something with Spike? That was just wrong. That was taking every previous important relationship she ever had and tossing them in the gutter because they were meaningless. Spike didn't have a soul. True love was completely beyond his reach. Buffy should have learned that with Angel. And if she didn't… then Miss Calander died for nothing.  
  
  
Buffy let the pain and gut-wrenching heartache of her relationship with Angel make her feel guilty over the happiness she felt with Riley and, therefore, she never truly opened up to him. But to start something with someone who couldn't feel love after losing someone who was insanely in love with her was… just sick. Riley made huge mistakes and made bad choices but he did love her.  
  
  
Spike couldn't feel love. Not really. Maybe a possessive, unhealthy type of wanting of a person, which he might consider love. But nothing real.  
  
  
Xander grunted in frustration.  
  
  
For the life of him he couldn't figure out why this was bothering him so much. It all felt like some huge slap in the face. He shouldn't have to check up on her because he trusted her and knew her. When he first mistakenly believed that Buffy had slept with Spike he wasn't surprised. Something that angered him. But being who he is he pushed that aside with concern. He felt that he shouldn't have to mention it to her. But… I'll just casually mention it and see her reaction. It's not like I think Spike is telling the truth or anything…   
  
  
With this new wave of denial passing over him, he decided to finally get up and take his long-needed shower. As the warm spray washed over him taking away the dust, dirt and grime of a long day of labor, Xander began to seriously wonder why this was bugging him.  
  
  
And then it hit him like a ton of bricks.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
"I'm here! I'm here!" Buffy burst into the Magic Box with an apologetic expression on her face. Tara immediately looked up from her post at the register and waved to her. Her more relaxed attitude an affront to Buffy's near panic. "I'm so sorry I'm late Tara. I really wanted to be here earlier but I had some very important things come up and… Aw hell. I don't wanna lie. I fell asleep and missed my time slot completely. I can't stress 'sorry' enough here." Buffy wrung her hands together awaiting Tara's dismissal of the need to say 'sorry'.  
  
  
"Buffy, it's okay. You're not even that-" She glanced at her wristwatch and winced a little. "Well okay you are pretty late. B-But i-it's not a big deal. Besides, I don't mind it here. I'm a witch in a magic shop." Her head bobbed a little as she thought of something witty. "Same principle as 'kid in a candy store'," she finished triumphantly. It took a lot for someone like Tara to relax this much with someone other then Willow. It just went to show how much of an integral part of their inner circle she had become and how much she enjoyed truly having a place where she felt like she belonged.  
  
  
Buffy smiled. "Thanks Tara. But I'm still going to have to promise never to be this late again."  
  
  
"I'd be surprised if you didn't."  
  
  
"Has the shop been busy today?" Buffy asked as she came up to the cash register.  
  
  
"Not really. It's been mostly quiet. Willow was here earlier researching that new Demon- Oh! We have a name now. It's a Nayii-Ke Demon."  
  
  
"A Nike demon? Great. Now they have sponsors. If there's a Pepsi Demon, I quit." Tara giggled at Buffy's wistful dismissal of the Demon's unusual sounding name. "How do I kill it?"  
  
  
"Hold on." Tara ducked behind the counter a moment and the shuffling of papers could be heard. After a few seconds she came back up. "Aww- Here it is. The Nayii-ke Demon can only be killed using a blessed and sharpened bone of a recently killed virgin child-"  
  
  
Buffy made a disgusted face.  
  
  
"OR," Tara continued, "Using a silver weapon to pierce its chest. We should probably go with that one."  
  
  
Buffy's look of disgust lessened. "Definitely. Because there is no way I'd- Wait! How would the Watcher's Council know that the bones of a child would kill this thing?!?"  
  
  
There was a small pause as the two women absorbed that. Then Tara finally broke the moment. "Maybe it's best we don't know that one?" Buffy nodded.  
  
  
Desperately wanting to change the subject, Buffy asked, "You going to stay here for a while?"  
  
  
"I'd like to. But I promised Willow that I'd meet her after class to have dinner. She's going to cook. She seemed very nervous about that. Should I be nervous about that?"  
  
  
Buffy smirked but then became more pensive. "Y'know, I don't think I've ever had Willow-cooking but if she's any bit as good as she is with magic then you should be alright."  
  
  
Tara smiled and left the store, leaving Buffy to just sit around and do nothing.  
  
  
Well nothing except to think about her favorite carpenter. Dawn's words echoed in her head: "It's not everyday an amazing guy tells you he wants to dance with you." Buffy thought back to the Spring Fling…  
  
  
"Um... You know, Buffy, uh, Spring Fling is a... time for students to gather and... Oh, God!" Xander takes in a breath. "Buffy, I want you to go to the dance with me. You and me, on a date."  
  
  
That left Buffy speechless for a moment. "I-I don't know what to say."  
  
  
"Well, you're not laughing. So that's a good start. Buffy, I like you. A lot. And I know we're friends, and we've had experiences... We've fought some blood-sucking fiends, and that's all been a good time. But I want more. I wanna dance with you."  
  
  
Buffy fell into a deeper funk remembering the look on his face after she rejected him and ranked it as one of her top ten worst moments in life. And considering one of those moments was finding her mother dead… Well, it was pretty bad.  
  
  
Okay Self, you better listen to me 'cause I'm only going to say this once. The next time we see Xander, barring a life-threatening moment, you spill your guts and tell him that you like him in more then a friends way. It's been a month since Anya left and he seems to be pretty much over her. Or at least he's gotten some perspective on it. But even if he wasn't, you're still going to tell him. Xander loves you. He won't get freaked and run. He isn't that type of guy. He'll probably try to let you down gently because he doesn't want to risk our friendship… But it doesn't matter. You can't keep this up. It's driving you insane and making you REALLY restless at night. So you WILL tell him. Is that understood? You are not going to die again, without telling him.   
  
  
"Boy that almost sounded convincing," she whispered as she buried her head on top of the counter. "God, I'm a coward."  
  
  
Just then there was a jingling at the door and Xander came in.  
  
  
  
******To*Be*Continued******  
  
  
  
I'm just getting warmed up.  
  
  
Before I start on the next piece of this though I'm going to write my next chapter of TBoML. I'm dying to get back to that story. But I still love this and I will be working on it right after. I promise.  



	4. Part Three

TITLE: Where Do I Fit In Your Life?  
  
AUTHOR: Wicked Raygun  
  
E-MAIL: wicked_raygun@hotmail.com  
  
SUMMARY: Is it worth the risk to tell someone how you feel, when they might not feel the same way?  
  
RATING: TV-14. No worse then what's on the show  
  
SPOILERS: Up to "The Gift" and then it goes on its merry way into an alternate universe. I started this puppy LONG before season 6 started and although I did use a few possible spoilers they're no biggies.  
  
DISCLAIMOR: I refuse to believe this is necessary. Does anyone here actually believe I own this stuff in any way? Well… To the folks who do own a piece of the Buffster and/or her friends and enemies, I mean you no harm. I'm simply borrowing your toys to put on a little puppet show. I promise to bring them all back in near-mint condition. Even Spike.  
  
FEEDBACK: Everyone needs a little love. It makes the world go round and writers post faster.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'd like to take this time to thank everyone who's given me feedback throughout this endeavor. It means a lot to me and I thank you all from my heart. It makes me feel special. So without further ado… Thanks to (In no particular order): Tim Creecy, Jarrod Harmier, Xandman2000, Kenneth Carter, Stone Cold, Chorlton, Darkdyer, Jennifer L. Hallmark, Michael aka Mutant, Socrates, Jason W. Thompson, Bob Regent, Brooke H., Lynne, Zauriel Angelus, Jai L, Varthan, Calen, Top Quark, Lisa, Faith, Bolo, Jane, Furious George, Kris, and last but not least Seth5095.  
  
If I have missed anyone please e-mail me off list. I tried to track down everyone I could, but I may have missed some people. The search at the BX_Fanfic archive isn't the greatest out there.  
  
Extra Special thanks go out to my BX heroes: Danii, Lori Bush, C-Man and Ozmandayus. Keep the hope and fic alive people. And remember, it's always darkest before the Dawn.  
  
By the way, for anybody who needs a refresher or is coming into this new you can find the rest of this story at fanfiction.net, located here:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=79383  
  
[} {] Mean, character thoughts... I really need to learn some html.  
  
***********  
Part Three  
***********  
  
  
  
Buffy was speechless. Here she was not even five seconds removed from trying to persuade herself to talk to Xander and he just waltzes on in here. Life was sure full of surprises for this Slayer.  
  
  
"Hey, Buffy." She noted that he seemed very subdued. As if something had been eating away at him all day. He looked outright miserable. She immediately tossed away her own insecurities and approached him slowly.  
  
  
"Oh God, Xander, what's wrong?"  
  
  
"I just uhh… wanted to talk to you… Well, ask you something really." His tone hadn't changed at all.  
  
  
[}Ask ME something? What could he possibly want to ask me?{] "Sure Xander. Anything."  
  
  
Xander walked further into the Magic Shop and motioned for Buffy to follow him to the "War Room". The "War Room" being the corner set aside by the stairs that led to the more powerful magical texts and supplies that were not for sale. It was where they would usually meet for their Scooby meetings. He pulled off his brown jacket and set it on the table. His hair was damp and Buffy's heightened slayer senses could smell his Lever 2000 soap mixed with the scent of some shampoo she couldn't identify. [}He must have stepped out of the shower not too long ago.{] Buffy mentally giggled liked some five year old with a crush at that thought, but did her best to stay in her supportive friend role.  
  
  
Xander began inhaling and exhaling deeply to calm himself. From the lines etching into his face and the way his deep brown eyes darted from left-to-right, Buffy thought that it seemed as if he was mentally debating something.  
  
  
She was right.  
  
  
"Xander? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" The irony of her own statement wasn't lost on her and she held back a sigh.  
  
  
"Well, normally. But what I have to say is a bit… personal. And… you might not appreciate me asking this."  
  
  
[}Personal?{] she asked herself. "Xander… whatever it is, we'll get through it." When Xander didn't respond right away and looked sheepish and ashamed, Buffy tentatively asked, "Is this about Anya?"  
  
  
"No. I can safely say that this has nothing to do with Anya."  
  
  
"Okay."  
  
  
There was another pause as Xander began to pace the room a little, his fingers being nervously wrung into themselves. This was classic Nervous Xander, Buffy noted to herself. She would have thought he looked adorable if it wasn't for the definite wig factor permeating off of him. He took one more breath, holding it a bit longer then the others and released it.  
  
  
"Buffy," he began with his voice raspy. He cleared his throat trying to lose his nervousness along with the croak in his voice with the same action, but unfortunately failing miserably. "Buffy," he said again, this time his voice clear of croaking. He hesitated and then said, "You know I care about you right? And that your friendship means everything to me?"  
  
  
Buffy nodded slowly as his message began to sink in. [}Wait. Ask me something? Personal? Might not like? Friendship important? Nothing to do with Anya? Is… Is he trying to ask me out!?! Oh God. Oh God, thank you!{] Her smile couldn't have been helped if she tried. "Of course, Xander. YOU mean everything to me also." Buffy decided not to say the word friendship. This was her chance. She let her eyes shine with the love that had been growing for him over the past year, wanting to give him any encouragement she could.  
  
  
"Well I…Buffy I love you, you know that, and… I think about you… and I trust you with my life."  
  
  
She smiled.  
  
  
"But… I… Did you ever…? Have you ever…?" He breathed in deeply once more and his eyes closed shut tightly indicating his resolve to get out whatever was bothering him. "During-the-Buffybot-fiasco-did-you-kiss-Spike?" he said hurriedly.  
  
  
"What?!?"  
  
  
"Okay, I knew you might react like this."  
  
  
Buffy's face flushed with anger for only a moment because panic soon settled in. She had been found out. The one thing that caused her the most shame last year and here was the man she was convinced she was falling in love with outing her with it.  
  
  
Life had a real cruel sense of humor when it came to her love life.  
  
  
"So…" Xander continued. "It's obvious from the look of utter horror on your face that this is true." Buffy's face was still one of total shock and fear when Xander continued angrily. "How come you never told us!" Although what he really meant, even if he would sooner die them admit it to himself, was, [}How come you never told me!{]  
  
  
Buffy was never one to say silent for long and that snapped her out of it. A sudden surge of anger and resentment struck from within like a blast of thunder on an unsuspecting night.  
  
  
"Xander, what happened with me and Spike was, is and never will be your business." Her voice was deadly calm, similar to the tone she used when slaying. Defensively, she crossed her arms in front of her and raised her eyebrows in such a fashion as to practically dare Xander to continue.  
  
  
"So you're not even denying it," he said his voice quietly angry now, in shocking contrast to his earlier outburst.  
  
  
"Oh," she said as her eyes menacingly contradicted the near innocent sounding tone of her voice. "So you want me to spell it out for you? Fine. I kissed Spike. It's not something I'm proud of, but it happened."  
  
  
Buffy flinched at the sudden slump of his shoulders and the look of total devastation in his eyes. His carefree, loving eyes. She did that. She caused him even more pain, just like she always did. [}Oh God.{]  
  
  
"Xander," she said her voice small and quivering. "I…"  
  
  
"Don't. I don't wanna hear it. You kissed Spike and you didn't tell anybody about it. Maybe you were ashamed, or maybe you didn't trust us. Either way it's fine. It's not like you owe anybody here any honesty." His voice sounded lifeless to her. No anger. No resentment. No emotion that she could handle and knew how to react to. Nothing. Not a damn thing. "Especially me."  
  
  
That dead lifeless tone nearly broke her in ways no demon with huge claws and razor sharp fangs ever could.  
  
  
He grabbed his jacket and began to leave, while Buffy panicked. "Wait!" she cried. He stopped in mid motion of putting on his jacket, looking up at her. She wanted to say… something. But nothing seemed right to her as a hundred possibilities zoomed through her mind: [}It was a mistake. I love you. Let me explain. Spike means nothing to me. I wasn't thinking straight. I never meant to hurt you. I hate that you're mad at me.{] But it was useless, all useless, because she just couldn't get her mouth to work right, to speak those magical words that would stop Xander from feeling so bad, whatever those words were.  
  
  
She just didn't have the words.  
  
  
Xander waited while she desperately collected her thoughts, all the while feeling painfully betrayed. He had thought that the days where he couldn't trust her judgment were over. He had believed that for better or for worse she would always do the right thing. But he should have known better. Deep down, he knew long before Spike had shattered his wall of denial. The pain. The constant unending pain that became as part of Buffy's reality as breathing just began to get to her. She had begun to lose hope, the one thing that she had seemingly had an endless supply of flittered away like the falling dust of a vampire on a windy night.  
  
  
For a moment his expression softened, just for a moment, one quick moment, one that Buffy was able to catch. Just as soon as it was there, however, it was swallowed in his grief once more.  
  
  
That was it. She had to say something now.  
  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
  
Somehow of all the things that Buffy could have said Xander would have never expected that. She was Buffy. She was sorry for nothing. Her life was hers to live and while she would feel tremendous regret and self-loathing she never really uttered those words and meant them, like she did now. No doubt about it, she was serious. [}But what does that mean?{]  
  
  
Xander's pause was unnerving her. "Do you hate me?" she asked at length.  
  
  
He shook his head. "I'm just disappointed."  
  
  
That hurt, but the fact that he said he didn't hate her and seemed to mean it warmed her a little. She nodded to show she understood.  
  
  
"Well… this is certainly awkward," he said while shifting his weight to his other foot.  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
"Why?"  
  
  
Buffy's gaze drifted to the floor. "Why did I kiss Spike, you mean?"  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
"I don't know."  
  
  
Xander waited a moment for her to continue, but when she didn't he asked, "Is that it?"  
  
  
"Pretty much. I don't know what you'd like me to say."  
  
  
"The truth'd be nice."  
  
  
She looked him in the eyes, her frown evidence to the pain she was feeling. It broke Xander up inside. "Oh, in that case… 'I don't know' is the truth." She paused as she walked over to a chair and sat down. "I was just… surprised, I guess. I mean, he didn't say a thing to Glory to save his own hide, despite what we all thought. Even you were sympathetic to him that day." Buffy paused and waited for Xander to nod in agreement. He did. She also noticed that he remained standing with his jacket still in his hands. She wished she knew what that meant. "Anyways," she continued, "I was touched and I kissed him. It wasn't anything spectacular or loaded with deep desire, it was a thank you."  
  
  
"A thank you?"  
  
  
"Yep."  
  
  
"That's all?"  
  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
  
"A thank you?"  
  
  
"I think we covered this," she said with a little humor in her voice.  
  
  
Xander chuckled uneasily, desperate for anything to relieve the leftover tension in the shop. Buffy smiled a little also. "Buffy, I… don't know what to say, here. This is just a lot to deal with, y'know."  
  
  
"I understand," she said almost to herself. "Xander…" she said nervously. She took a breath to calm herself before she could continue. "Xander would you… No, let me start over. Xander when was the last time you and me had a heartfelt talk?"  
  
  
"You mean excluding the times we were at each other's throats? A couple days ago; although, it was mostly me blubbering about Anya."  
  
  
"I remember," she said sweetly. "I have to go out and nail some Nike demon that's been cruising around Sunnydale enchanting the locals. What do you say we go, we slay and then we have some pizza and… talk."  
  
  
"Okay."  
  
  
"Okay?"  
  
  
"Is there an echo in here? Yeah. Pizza and soul-searching with the Buffster after slayage. I got it"  
  
  
Buffy smiled. "Great."  
  
  
His features, once again, portrayed seriousness and sincerity as he said, "But don't think this conversation's over. We're going to be coming back to it. Something's been wrong, Buffy… ever since Riley left you've been teetering on the edge of something dark and lonely. Add your mom's death, Glory, Dawn, Spike, and… your death," he hesitated, "Things just haven't been right lately. You haven't been yourself and you were, are, vulnerable."  
  
  
Buffy's smile faltered. "I wouldn't have thrown myself at Spike because I was hurting."  
  
  
Xander's grim look remained as he nodded but he said nothing of what he really thought. [}I just don't know about that, anymore.{]  
  
  
"We'll sort this out, Xand," Buffy stated with confidence.  
  
  
"I think so too… But it's not gonna be easy."  
  
  
"No it won't. Few things in my life are," she said with a sad smile.  
  
  
Xander gave Buffy a genuine smile. She smiled back. Then, suddenly remembering something, Xander's face contorted in curiosity. "Uhh, one more question though."  
  
  
"Shoot."  
  
  
"Nike Demon?"  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
There are certain times in a person's life when it becomes necessary to make peace with the injustice of the world. When the dull ache of tragedy has to stand aside and allow acceptance and, with the realization of this epiphany, to grow as an individual. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. It is a lesson that many outright refuse to accept and in doing so they lose sight of the good in life.  
  
  
Tragedy and injustice suck, to put it mildly, but to stop living is an insult to those who have been lost.  
  
  
Never let it be said that Dawn Summers was a quitter.  
  
  
Somewhere in the darker, unhappy recesses of her frustrated, teenage mind she had contemplated the idea that she didn't belong in the world. Everyone has these moments of weakness, they are a part of growing up. Unfortunately, she discovered that, in a way, she truly didn't belong. She had been forged as a hiding place of some ancient power that could open the gateways between dimensions: the Key. A dangerous tool if it could be called that. Its power was more akin to a weapon of mass destruction then a "mystical garage door opener" as Bry had put it.  
  
  
In her mind, she had to be something truly evil for so many to call for her destruction. She was created and people died. A cause and effect situation. The cause was her existence and the effect was the deaths of uncounted amounts.  
  
  
That was traumatic, and a normal person might have gone insane with that much blood on their conscience, but it could barely compare with the sudden lose of her mother.  
  
  
HER mother.  
  
  
That idea in and of itself caused her pain. Was she really her mother? She quite literally came from nowhere, so what was it that made Joyce her mother and not just Buffy's? That was a difficult question that still brings her pain every now and then.  
  
  
And then her sister died.  
  
  
Once again the same doubts that had plagued her when she lost her mother resurfaced in a most brutal fashion. This wonderful person, with friends and complexities, was lost to the world to save her. Her. Who was she in the grand scheme of things? Dawn couldn't even answer that question for herself and yet Buffy had sacrificed her life for her.  
  
  
Life after that became an exercise in simple survival. Doing just enough not to die. Simply existing as opposed to actually living. She might have stayed in that pattern if not for the appearance of a brown haired teen with his own personal tragedy. Bry had lost his older brother.  
  
  
Dawn could relate to that.  
  
  
Willow and Tara found him while on a patrol of the Bronze. By the time they got there his brother had already been drained dead, there was only one thing left to do upon that realization. A quick levitation spell involving a stake and Bry had been saved. According to the Witchy Duo, he was in shock and repeated his brother's name over and over again, seemingly unable to comprehend what happened.  
  
  
Dawn was there when he came in that night. His eyes wide-open in shock, nearly catatonic. After they had sat him down he said one word:  
  
  
"Vampire."  
  
  
A simple flat statement and anywhere else it would have been dismissed immediately. There was a hesitation in the voices of Willow and Tara as they tried to pull together a cover story. One he sensed. Somehow he had known the truth in his heart, even as the two witches tried to deny as they always did whenever a local stumbled upon their world. When they tried to invent some story about a mugging gone bad and them chasing the culprit away with pepper spray, he jumped in the air throwing the chairs around and unleashing his own pain unto the furniture and glass cases. He demanded in no uncertain terms the truth. Something evil had killed his brother and he wanted a confirmation of what it was.  
  
  
Recognizing the pain of grief and helplessness, Dawn told him the truth. The sound of her voice had shocked Willow and Tara because she had been so quiet since they had arrived at the shop that they hadn't realized she was there.  
  
  
Truthfully, she had been quiet a lot.  
  
  
She told him about everything: about vampires, demons, the Hell Mouth. During that explanation he remained quiet, using some unknown strength to keep him together, as he sat through it all. Only once she was finished did he say anything.  
  
  
He said, "And now Danny's gone."  
  
  
It was so quiet, almost a whisper, but the familiar pain, misery and guilt were there in his voice. Then he started to cry, softly and hesitantly, as if he was holding them back because to admit he was grieving would be to admit that his brother was truly gone. Dawn walked over to him, held him and began her very own flood of tears.  
  
  
Two total strangers mourning together the loss of their respective siblings.  
  
  
That was how Dawn Marie Summers met Brian Anthony Miller.  
  
  
A week later, he returned to the Magic Box announcing his intentions to help out in any way he could. Everyone was dead set against that idea, everyone accept for Dawn. She knew that Bry was searching for peace and a purpose and she wanted the rest of the Scooby Gang to help him achieve it. Besides, she knew that no matter what they told him he would just find a way to help anyway, and without some guidance he would more then likely end up doing something stupid and get killed.  
  
  
During the rest of that summer they bonded. She told him everything, feeling completely safe in doing so.  
  
  
When she cried about how she wasn't real, Bry told her that was crap. The past didn't matter because there was nothing she could do to change it. The only thing that mattered was that she was real now.  
  
  
When she collapsed into herself about the guilt of causing the death of her sister, Bry reminded her that Buffy loved her and if she had been in her place Dawn would have done the same thing. Her sacrifice was about life, and Dawn owed it to her sister to make it a good one.  
  
  
When she confessed that she had been stealing things, Bry told her that sometimes everyone acts a little crazy but asked her what would her family think about her doing these things. She, of course, stopped.  
  
  
She began to move on, and so did he. Together they faced the rigors of everyday life.  
  
  
Then Buffy came back.  
  
  
After life began to return to normal… well, normal for them, Dawn began to rethink her relationship with Bry. She wanted more; apparently, he didn't.  
  
  
As she had accepted the other things in her life she could accept that.  
  
  
Just as in that old prayer: "Lord give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  
  
  
At fifteen she was already a more mature and level-headed woman then your average twenty-something.  
  
  
Joyce would have been damn proud.  
  
  
Joyce also would have wanted her to be happy.  
  
  
Dawn smiled. She wasn't sure what exactly it was going to take to be happy, but she was no longer afraid of the prospect. She no longer had those intense guilt trips whenever she dared to think of being happy. Her whole life laid ahead of her. Dating. Marriage. Family. A home. She wanted it all, but she'd have to take baby steps. First things first. Dawn, would have to get a boyfriend.  
  
  
Enter Kevin.  
  
  
Kevin was a guy who she had known about since she was in the fifth grade, but he wasn't friends with the type of people she hung out with. He was unreachable, unattainable, completely out of her league. He was also gorgeous, a factor not lost on Dawn as she had toted a huge crush for him during the fifth grade and into the sixth. Of course, it didn't quite rival her crush on Xander but few things did.  
  
  
Dawn chuckled. She still thought Xander was cute, but… Well, she wasn't sure. She just remembered being real happy for him when he announced his upcoming marriage to Anya. Now Xander was just getting over a major hill of depression that was the sudden betrayal of Anya's leaving, and as much as Dawn wanted to hate her, there was a piece of her that missed that wacky ex-demon's view of the world, which was surprising to say the least.  
  
  
Life was strange that way. Sometimes you just didn't know what you're true feelings were until they smacked you in the face demanding your attention.  
  
  
Dawn's reflection was interrupted by the chirp of the telephone. She put down her pencil, stood up and picked it up.  
  
  
"Hello?"  
  
  
"Hey Dawn, is that you?"  
  
  
"Uh, yeah. Who's this?"  
  
  
"It's Kevin."  
  
  
Her smile was instantaneous. "Hey. Sorry, but I didn't recognize your phone voice."  
  
  
"My phone voice?"  
  
  
"Uh-huh. Everyone sounds different on the telephone, they're phone voice, and since I've never heard you on the phone before I didn't recognize yours. An easy mistake to make really. It's good that I've now heard it so that I can imprint it for later phone calls. You know… Should there be any." [}Dawnie,{] her inner voice told her condescendingly. [}Babble no good when talking to cool boy.{]  
  
  
Kevin didn't seem to notice or mind her loss of vocal brevity. "So, you wouldn't mind me calling again?"  
  
  
Dawn barked in surprise. "Me mind? What are you kidding me?" She groaned mentally, wishing she had the sense of mind to edit what she wanted to say before she actually said it. [}Damn Anya/Xander relationship being my one blue print for stability in a heterosexual relationship.{] Kevin merely laughed softly at her reaction. [}He even laughs cool.{]  
  
  
"You really shouldn't be surprised that I like you. You're a knockout. And you're not a fake like some other girls I've dated." Dawn was smiling and mentally sticking her tongue out at all the spoiled girls she grew up with. Oh, yes… her day had come.  
  
  
"That's really sweet, Kev."  
  
  
"Kev? Listen, you should know that I really kinda hate it when people call me that."  
  
  
His tone wasn't angry or even condescending; truthfully it was very understanding. It still made Dawn wince, though. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"  
  
  
"It's okay. I just hate it when people shorten my name. It's one of those pet peeves of mine."  
  
  
[}Pet peeves? Who the hell says that?… You're new, almost-kinda boyfriend, that's who? So deal with it.{] "Is there any other thing that bugs you that I should be aware of?" she asked innocently.  
  
  
"No. Just that, so far. What about you? Do you have any little things that annoy you?"  
  
  
Dawn thought about it for a moment. "No. Not really. I'm pretty easygoing I think."  
  
  
"I like a woman who can just let the tide take her."  
  
  
"Yeah, that's me, Miss Go-with-the-flow."  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
"Brian!"  
  
  
"Coming, Mom."  
  
  
Bry stood up and left the computer. He had been burning a new CD for himself. It was going to be filled with a lot of sad songs he had in his CD collection along with a few he had downloaded off the Internet. It was going to be his very own "Music of Pain" CD. As much as he trusted Xander's advice and, well, Xander in general, he refused to give into any country music depression-fests. If there was going to be a depression-fest it was going to be to music he actually enjoyed listening to.  
  
  
He probably should have created this CD long ago but he was so wrapped up in Xander's enthusiasm that he hadn't allowed himself any room for failure. He had been wondering if maybe the Xandman was living vicariously through his, hopefully, budding relationship with Dawn. If so, then it wasn't really all that healthy and he should tell him so... [}Maybe when Dawn shoots me down permanently. I'll need something to vent on in that case.{] He was a bit more realistic now, or rather pessimistic. [}Dawn has some smart, sweet, sensitive, Prince Charming wannabe after her, why would she want some moron like me?{]  
  
  
Bry had been doing his best to think positive, but the fact of the matter is telling someone how you feel is nerve racking under the best conditions. After crashing and burning once, it becomes even more so.  
  
  
He made his way downstairs and approached the living room looking for his mom. He found her on the couch looking at an old photo album and frowned immediately. Since they had lost Danny he would occasionally catch her going through his brother's baby pictures; although, for the past few weeks she had been better. Which was the reason for his being upset. She was slowly torturing herself and Danny simply wouldn't have wanted this.  
  
  
"Mom?"  
  
  
Her head lifted up from staring at the album slowly, her eyes rimmed with tears despite the small smile on her face. "Hey Brian," she said, her voice cracking a little with her tears, "Can you come here for a second and give me a hug?" Bry walked over to her, stooped down to her level, and did just that. Before everything had happened with his brother, he hadn't been much for hugs. They tended to make him uncomfortable. Now, though, he found himself in need of giving and receiving support through physical contact. What was once uncomfortable he now did without hesitation.  
  
  
You never really know if the next embrace you give someone you love will be the last.  
  
  
"You do know what tomorrow is right, honey?" she asked him a few moments into their tender hug. Bry broke from their embrace just enough to give her a small "look." "Of course. Silly question. Have you thought about what you want to do?"  
  
  
Bry nodded. "Yeah. I'm gonna keep alive an old tradition… and, hopefully, start a new one."  
  
  
His mom smiled. "And would this tradition have anything to do with a certain cute brown-haired girl who's been in and out of here a lot lately?"  
  
  
Bry paled. "Awwww, man. Am I that obvious?"  
  
  
"Only to those with eyesight, Honey. I'm not quite that old yet. So when is she coming over?"  
  
  
"Tomorrow afternoon."  
  
  
"Would you… like some privacy?"  
  
  
Bry blinked. Twice. Hard. "What have you done with my mother?" She laughed while giving him a mock scolding look.  
  
  
"I'm serious, Brian."  
  
  
"Well, that would be kinda nice… but, considering what tomorrow is, you shouldn't have to. I mean, you probably wanna spend some time with me and do some family stuff, which I completely understand, you know, and-"  
  
  
"Brian," she said softly.  
  
  
"am completely onboard for, if you want to. Tomorrow is very important, and I wouldn't want to…" Bry was interrupted by her mother hugging him again. He shut up and clutched her tightly, feeling a little bit like a five year old again.  
  
  
"Does she make you happy?"  
  
  
"Yes."  
  
  
"Then you and I can spend time together in the morning. Besides, I've been meaning to visit your Uncle Tony." Bry's smile was instantaneous.  
  
  
"Thanks Mom. You're the coolest mom I've ever had."  
  
  
"Uhh, thank you?"  
  
  
"You're welcome," he said smugly.  
  
  
"You're never to old for a spanking, Brian."  
  
  
"You never spanked me."  
  
  
"I can start."  
  
  
They laughed. Bry couldn't remember the last time they had spoken like this. He missed this almost as much as he missed Danny.  
  
  
"I love you, Brian. And I'm very proud of you."  
  
  
"Well of course, how could you not? I'm a loveable son-of-a-gun… And I love you, too. I know I don't say it enough, but I do."  
  
  
His mom smiled radiantly. For a long time after losing Danny she was hard to reach, but now, things were looking up in a big way. "Are you scared about tomorrow?" she asked at length.  
  
  
"Terrified, but in a good way… That didn't make much sense, huh?"  
  
  
"It makes plenty sense."  
  
  
"Oh good. I'd hate to think I was going insane."  
  
  
  
******To*Be*Continued******  
  
  
  
I'm sorry that this chapter was mostly filler, but I really need it as a character building thing for later on. If anyone has noticed the slight change of tone it's because I've been having a complete review of my world philosophy since the tragedy that happened on September 11th. My writing, being the window to my soul that it is, has come to reflect that. But not to worry, the next chapter will be back to it's usual funny, light, easy to read self.  
  
  
I hope.  
  
  
Aw, who am I kidding? These dang fics tend to write themselves anyway. It's not like I have any control here.  
  
  
Till next time, kids.  
  
  
Ray Rivera, aka Wicked Raygun 


	5. Part Four

TITLE: Where Do I Fit In Your Life?  
  
AUTHOR: Wicked Raygun  
  
E-MAIL: wicked_raygun@hotmail.com  
  
SUMMARY: Is it worth the risk to tell someone how you feel, when they might not feel the same way?  
  
RATING: TV-14. No worse then what's on the show  
  
SPOILERS: Up to "The Gift" and then it goes on its merry way into an alternate universe. I started this puppy LONG before season 6 started and although I did use a few possible spoilers they're no biggies.  
  
DISCLAIMOR: I refuse to believe this is necessary. Does anyone here actually believe I own this stuff in any way? Well… To the folks who do own a piece of the Buffster and/or her friends and enemies, I mean you no harm. I'm simply borrowing your toys to put on a little puppet show. I promise to bring them all back in near-mint condition. Even Spike.  
  
FEEDBACK: Everyone needs a little love. It makes the world go round and writers post faster.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'd like to take this time to thank everyone who's given me feedback throughout this endeavor. It means a lot to me and I thank you all from my heart. It makes me feel special. So without further ado… Thanks to (In no particular order): C-Man, Ozmandayus, Danii, Tim Creecy, Jarrod Harmier, Xandman2000, Kenneth Carter, Stone Cold, Chorlton, Darkdyer, Jennifer L. Hallmark, Michael aka Mutant, Socrates, Jason W. Thompson, Wayne, Bob Regent, Brooke H., Lynne, Zauriel Angelus, Jai L, Varthan, Calen, Top Quark, Lisa, Red, Faith, Bolo, Jane, Furious George, Kris, and last but not least Seth5095.  
  
Also a special mention to Krisseth2000, who seems to really, really like this story. Thank you for the feedback.  
  
If I have missed anyone please e-mail me off list. I tried to track down everyone I could, but I may have missed some people. The search at the BX_Fanfic archive isn't the greatest out there.  
  
Extra Special thanks goes out to my beta-reader Lori Bush. She is truly a godsend. She's also an amazing writer, here's the link to her stories at fanfiction.net:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=17172  
  
By the way, for anybody who needs a refresher or is coming into this new you can find the rest of this story at fanfiction.net, located here:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=79383  
  
  
  
************  
Chapter Four  
************  
  
  
  
Xander had remembered hearing somewhere that coyotes, when caught in a fur trap, would often gnaw off their own trapped appendage in order to escape the clutches of the cruel contraption. He remembered this fact throughout his childhood, and into his adolescence. Even now that he was, for all intents and purposes, an adult, it had stayed with him. And the reason it had was because there were times in his life where he truly identified with that coyote. Like those times when he locked himself in his room, throwing his pillows over his ears to drown out the noise of his parents yelling at each other, or when Willow's father had caught him stealing a quarter from the mall fountain, or when he had to admit to Giles that he had Amy cast a love spell for him, or when he had to endure a period of geography with Mister Walter Means in the ninth grade.  
  
  
But none of those situations could compare with this.  
  
  
Here he was, in one of the public parks Sunnydale's previous mayor was oh so happy to fund, with one of his best friends, hunting a demon, and with the tension in the air so thick that Xander worried that he was going to leap six feet in the air at the slightest stimulus. And it wasn't the demon that had them jumpy.  
  
  
Earlier that day, he had confronted Buffy about kissing Spike. While starting off heated, the confrontation degraded quickly. Neither had the will to pursue their anger. So Buffy had said she was sorry and Xander voiced his concerns. The fight resulted in Buffy feeling defensive and Xander feeling disappointed. But there was hope. They had agreed that they would talk, really talk, after patrol. Their bond of friendship could be shaken, but never broken, so there was confidence that all would be sorted out, despite the sense of dread that each felt. But that small seed of discomfort grew and now, what had, at the time, seemed like a perfect solution, now loomed over them like an ominous, dark cloud that would bring either life-giving rain or catastrophic floods.  
  
  
There was too much at stake for Xander to be calm.  
  
  
Unbeknownst, to him, Buffy was entertaining similar ideas. The constant and unbearable silence had allowed her ample time to ponder just how she had managed to screw up such a seemingly foolproof plan. And she knew the answer. She had not accounted for the unforeseen variable of anxiety. She had sworn to herself to tell Xander how she felt this very night. She didn't enjoy feeling like a lovesick teenager; and if dying had taught her anything, it was that she shouldn't take anything or anyone for granted because nothing was guaranteed.  
  
  
Not life and certainly not love.  
  
  
So it was up to her to find her happiness and not just expect someone to hand it to her. She had to tell Xander how she felt, because regret was the worst kind of pain, because he deserved to know the truth, because he had done that much for her, once upon a time, and because she wanted to feel truly loved and alive again and there was no part of her that doubted that Xander could make her feel that.  
  
  
If he felt the same way.  
  
  
Buffy was truly learning the truth behind the expression "easier said then done," because despite how convincing that all sounded to her she couldn't force her mouth to do anything other then open and close like a fish. The words were there; they just refused to be said.  
  
  
Buffy Summers, slayer of vampires, demons, and hell gods, was afraid to bare her heart again.  
  
  
So to compensate for her extreme discomfort, she tried to focus on hunting Sunnydale's latest crisis demon. But even that wasn't working, because after two hours of hunting in uncomfortable silence their fruitless searching hadn't revealed so much as a vampire let alone a demon enchanting the locals to do whatever it wanted or needed.  
  
  
[}Stupid Hell Mouth.{]  
  
  
After another five minutes the silence was disrupted by Xander. "That's it! I can't take this any longer."  
  
  
Buffy, turned to her friend, shocked that the he had finally said something.  
  
  
"Buffy, when was the last time we ever spent this much time together without talking?  
  
  
"Uh, well…" Buffy searched for a reply, but was cut off by Xander.  
  
  
"I'll tell you when. Two weeks from never. I don't know about you but this is starting to drive me insane. I mean, obviously, we're both worried about the same thing: our friendship."  
  
  
[}Boy, does he ever not know the half of it,{] Buffy thought self-deprecatingly.  
  
  
"We've planned this big powwow and now we're nervous about it and it's turned into the pink elephant in the corner of the room that no one wants to talk about."  
  
  
"Xander," she said, finally regaining her mental capacities, "you're right. We-we're friends. We're just going to talk later about some important stuff. It's not even that big a deal really. We shouldn't be here standing around nervously with weird awkward silences or halting small talk. We're friends."  
  
  
"The best of friends," he corrected with a smile.  
  
  
"Evil, beware."  
  
  
"Right."  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
They stood there for a while, smiling awkwardly, and each expecting the other to contribute some sort of conversation. Xander shifted his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably. Buffy twirled the stake in her hand with tense fingers.  
  
  
And then finally, Xander said, "We should, you know…"  
  
  
"Find the demon," she finished for him.  
  
  
"Yeah. Scooby honor and all that." Xander then placed two fingers to his forehead and made an awkward Boy Scout salute. Buffy laughed forcefully, then cleared her throat, turned around and started after their demon again, more nervous then before.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
He watched from a tree as the two humans below him spoke uncomfortably. Their feelings and thoughts drifted up to him like the smells of a glorious banquet. The inherent demonic powers of his race allowed him to sift through the various feelings and thoughts like a fine connoisseur. And what emanated the most off of the two humans below him was fear.  
  
  
Gra-ul loved fear. Out of all human emotions, it was the easiest to manipulate and the most fun. Humans were, as a species, slaves to their fears. Unlike many demons, who would seek out and destroy whatever caused them unease let alone fear, humans would often spend their entire lives seeking a way to avoid it, preferring denial to confrontation. And all humans feared something, no matter how above it all they pretended to be.  
  
  
And the hilarious part to Gra-ul was that humans feared damn near everything.  
  
  
From the wildest of beasts to the smallest of insects, from the most imposing of heights to the slapping crash of the ocean against the shores. But for every human that feared something as tangible as a spider there were countless others that feared the things that could never physically hurt them, things that were utterly trivial: rejection, the disapproval of others, loss of petty possessions or stature, and of course, Gra-ul's favorite, change.  
  
  
Humans were such creatures of habit that it never ceased to amuse him that something as mundane and inevitable as a change in routine, belief or circumstance would rattle them so completely. Many demons thought that humans were far too complex when Gra-ul knew that the truth was completely the opposite. They were too predictable. Merely whisper into their minds that their life was changing for the worse and that they were powerless to stop it and they would react violently.  
  
  
Gra-ul himself had no real fear. Oh, he had the normal self-preservation instincts all beings had, but he was not ruled by his emotions as irrationally as the humans were. He was active and ambitious for his race, the Nayii-ke. And while others of his race were content to use their powers only when they needed to, Gra-ul loved the challenge of controlling and manipulating the lesser beings. And while he did in fact believe in the coming of the Great Purge that would eliminate the humans from this planet, he had no intention of waiting for some great deliverer to come, and he had even less interest in cowering in fear of some human girl.  
  
  
The Nayii-ke only feared the Slayer. And her domination at Gra-ul's hands would elevate him to a position of great respect among his race. And from there…  
  
  
Gra-ul smiled. He pushed back his fantasies of conquest in order to not distract him from the task at hand. As a human philosopher put it, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." And it was time to take that step.  
  
  
He would face the Slayer, play on her fears and manipulate her into being his slave. Or possibly just kill her.  
  
  
He hadn't decided yet.  
  
  
Gra-ul watched as the humans began again their search for him. As they moved further and further away the smell of the Slayer's emotions became more faint.  
  
  
Those fears would be her undoing. And what incredibly mundane fears they were. To think, a Slayer, a predatory and solitary being by nature, would be frightened of being alone, of having everyone she cared about leave her. What was even more amusing was her fear of enjoying the inherent darkness of a Slayer too much. That she would give up and become like her enemy, or even worse, by her own standards begin to crave it, to need the darkness with every fiber of her being.  
  
  
Gra-ul stifled back laughter.  
  
  
And to make matters even more interesting, many of her fears involved the male that was aiding her. Fear of losing him as a potential mate.  
  
  
Predictable, as always.  
  
  
In Gra-ul's experience, humans, despite baseless beliefs that they were greater than all other species on this world, demon and non-demon alike, never did fail to show him that they were just as much slaves to the call of their hormones as any other species.  
  
  
He concentrated on his powers and began his mental assault, sending wave after wave of mental suggestions to her, and thusly making her more susceptible to his control later. He made sure to emphasize the thoughts of inadequacy. Little by little he had been breaking her will from afar for the past few days, his victory nearly assured.  
  
  
But the question still remained. Would he control her, or kill her?  
  
  
Decisions. Decisions.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Buffy felt her depression slide over her like some tangible thing. It burdened her, making every step she took heavy, each breath labored, and concentration impossible. Her thoughts were like a second voice, telling her how lowly and pathetic she was.  
  
  
[}God! What am I doing?!? Xander will never want me! He's known me too long. Hell, he practically sees right through me. He knows every horrible thing about me. Things I don't even want to admit to myself. And even if I got him drunk enough to want me, he deserves so much more than what I can offer. I just don't have it in me to be normal. I belong in the dark… Away from people like him.{]  
  
  
The pain was nearly unbearable. The urge to cry, incredible.  
  
  
But she trudged on. She was the Slayer, after all. It was her mission. Her Duty.  
  
  
Even death wouldn't let her abandon that.  
  
  
[}I should have stayed dead.{]  
  
  
Her grip on her stake was slack and, unbeknownst to her, it began to slip from her grip. It fell to the earth of the park with a dull thud.  
  
  
"Buffy?" Xander asked worriedly.  
  
  
Xander's words didn't register with her. Nothing at this point would, really. She just kept walking. Her movements stiff and forced, almost robotic, Xander thought. He picked up her abandoned weapon and hurried after her, yelling her name.  
  
  
There was something horribly wrong about the situation to him.  
  
  
Buffy was at war. Her inherent slayer instincts were fighting Gra-ul's mental barrage of suggestion. But all this was occurring at an unconscious level. One Buffy couldn't grasp, because the voice in the back of her mind had grown. Now instead of just a constant stream of negative thoughts, Buffy was seeing images. Events that never happened or happened differently were being experienced by her.  
  
  
And they were breaking her.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
"But Xander… How could you do this?"  
  
  
"Do what?" he asked, his annoyance very evident to Buffy. His luggage laid atop his bed, and was being filled with clothes as he tossed them in straight from the closet in an almost frenzied fashion.  
  
  
"But you're leaving?"  
  
  
"Yeah. So what? It's not like you weren't expecting this."  
  
  
"But I thought…" She shook her head, abandoning whatever it was she was about to let slip. "What did I do?" she asked him, her voice quivering. "I mean…"  
  
  
He interrupted her with an outstretched hand. The look on his face was one of incredulity. "What did YOU do? Buff, wake up. Not everything's got to do with you." He returned to his packing. "I want a better life and that means leaving here." He sighed exasperatedly. "I swear you can be such a brat." He looked up at her again, saw what she was doing, and then rolled his eyes. "And stop crying. That's just being childish."  
  
  
At his last words, Buffy moved her hand to her face and felt the salty lines of tears. She hadn't even realized she was crying. She looked to the floor in shame. Her attention was brought back to Xander as she heard him zipping up his suitcase.  
  
  
"Xander, please don't leave. I'll do anything."  
  
  
He laughed. "Oh, that's rich. Anything, huh? Funny, considering you've never done 'anything' for me before." He hefted the suitcase off the bed and began to walk away. But then he just stopped. He looked back to her. "Let me ask you something, Buffy. Just where do I fit in your life?"  
  
  
Buffy looked confused.  
  
  
"Who am I to you, Buffy?" he continued. "What part do I play in this sick, twisted show that's your life, huh? It's certainly not as the 'love of your life.' Hell, I'm not even the 'past love.' And it's certainly not the 'best friend.' No, that title belongs to Willow. Something you've stolen from me, by the way."  
  
  
He advanced toward her, menacingly, and Buffy found herself doing something she rarely did even in the face of the most terrifying of monsters: Backing away.  
  
  
"Tell me, Buffy. Just what the hell am I to you? Huh? What?" Each sentence was punctuated with anger and resentment but his voice remained eerily quiet, as if he was discussing something as trivial and unimportant as the weather. "What am I, the 'guy friend'? I'm not even that, am I?"  
  
  
Buffy's back hit the wall. Now there was nowhere else for her to go.  
  
  
He was only a few inches from her. But instead of the usual comfort, his close proximity brought only fear. Buffy trembled at the thought of what he might say next, and yet she could do nothing but listen.  
  
  
The venomous words came as quietly as before. "No, I'm not the 'guy friend.' Hell, I'm not even a friend. No, you see, Buffy, friends show each other respect. And you've never respected me." His eyes widened in realization. "Oh, I get it. I understand now. I'm your pet. Give me a treat, and I'll follow you around forever, right?"  
  
  
Buffy started to shake her head, wanting desperately to prove to him that he was so much more than that, but she never got the chance.  
  
  
"Well, guess what, Buff… I deserve better than that. I mean, you died, you selfish bitch, and the worst part was that you wanted it. You were perfectly happy to leave everything as it was; perfectly content to just rot in your grave with the knowledge that I meant nothing to you." Xander looked pensive for a moment then added, "I guess I was wrong. This IS about you, after all. Looks like your self-centeredness was actually on the money, for once." He shook his head sadly. "I've wasted my time here. Good bye."  
  
  
As he was turning away, Buffy couldn't help but say, in a quiet voice, "I don't want to lose you."  
  
  
Xander stopped immediately. He turned slowly toward her again, a grin on his face. When his eyes met hers, he scoffed. "Please. Lose me? Buffy… You never had me."  
  
  
"You were never going to take him away from me, you know."  
  
  
Buffy noticed Anya hanging by the door. Only she was no longer Anya; she was Anyanka.  
  
  
Her face was covered in veins that stood out amongst her skin and her nose looked more pointed then it did when she had been human. She watched horrified as she and Xander shared a passionate kiss, the both of them clawing at each other as if they were going to make love right there in front of her. They pulled away, reluctantly it seemed, panting heated and lust filled breaths. Then Anya turned around in her embrace with Xander to give Buffy a look of triumph and superiority. Xander proceeded to kiss along her neck.  
  
  
With her eyes on Buffy as she spoke, Anya said to Xander, "You're going to like being a demon, Xander."  
  
  
At this point, Xander stopped kissing along her neck to also look at Buffy. With a smirk on his face, he told Anya, "Oh… it's a little late for that…"  
  
  
Then his features contorted, his eyes became yellow, and his teeth grew into fangs.  
  
  
"… Lover."  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Xander was using reserves that he wasn't aware that he'd had to keep his calm.  
  
  
And those reserves were rapidly depleting.  
  
  
Xander wasn't stupid; living on the Hell Mouth had taught him when to recognize a trap. And having a suddenly catatonic Buffy while hunting a dangerous demon definitely qualified. As he tried to snap her out of her trance, he did his best to simultaneously look for any oncoming attackers. He didn't see anything and that worried him even more. If a vampire just suddenly showed up at least he'd know what to do.  
  
  
But like this… He just didn't know what he had to do to protect her. And that never failed to scare him.  
  
  
"Come on, Buff," he urged to her while shaking her shoulders, as if she were just sleeping. "Bad guys can't possibly be far away."  
  
  
It was a stray moment when his eyes just happened to see a faint movement up in the trees.  
  
  
Aiming a spear.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Buffy felt so lost. She just couldn't imagine living her life without her mother; and yet, she was supposed to do exactly that now. She couldn't understand how the world would put that on her. After all the tragedy she had lived through, she thought that this was more than she could bear.  
  
  
And what truly scared her was that she was just expected to deal with life as if everything was normal. But having her mother was normal for her. Despite the people that she had lost along her path, her mother had always been a part of her life, to help her make sense of things, when no one, not Willow, or Xander, or even Giles could.  
  
  
She leaned her head back further into Angel's shoulder as she looked upon the fresh grave that held her mother's corpse. She was so desperate for comfort. She just wanted someone to take her away from it all; to just make sure tomorrow never came for her.  
  
  
Without taking her eyes away from the grave, she spoke to Angel. "The funeral was..." she sighed, "it was brutal, but it's tomorrow that I'm worried about."  
  
  
"What's tomorrow?"  
  
  
She spoke her fears to Angel, just like she used to, hoping perhaps she could retrieve feelings that she had believed were buried. "That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now, I ... I've had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with Mom."  
  
  
"Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes," he tried to console her, trying to be her road map, not realizing he was telling her exactly what she didn't want to hear.  
  
  
"And everybody expects me to know how to do it, because... I'm so strong," she finished sarcastically.  
  
  
Strong. She hated that word.  
  
  
"You just need some time. I'm sure everybody understands that."  
  
  
"Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires... but Mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better... just what to say."  
  
  
"Yeah... you'll find your way. I mean, not all at once, but..."  
  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I don't know. I keep thinking about it... when I found her. If I had just gotten there ten minutes earlier..."  
  
  
"But you weren't." There was a sudden shift in his tone. It sounded… colder. Almost like…  
  
  
Angelus.  
  
  
"You weren't there," he continued. "You never are when people really need you."  
  
  
Shocked, she turned her head to him slowly. "What?"  
  
  
"If you'd just gone home, instead of making googly eyes with Xander, you could have saved her. But, oh no, you have to hang around him fawning like a fourteen-year-old because he made you feel like a real woman for a few minutes."  
  
  
"Angel?" Her voice sounded weak and small.  
  
  
He pushed her away roughly and stood up. For a moment he just looked at her with a look of something akin to disgust on his face. He shook his head and said, "You know, you're a lot of things Buffy, but strong isn't one of them."  
  
  
"Yeah, no kidding," a familiar voice said from behind her.  
  
  
Buffy turned her head to the right to see Bry looking at her angrily.  
  
  
"Bry?"  
  
  
"I don't care what Willow thought, she wasn't worth bringing back," he told Angel. He then directed his words to Buffy. "Look at you. You're pathetic. I look at you everyday, and all I see is this whiny, selfish, freak of nature, who wouldn't be worth the leather of her jackets if it weren't for her ability to break stuff. You don't deserve your friends. And from what I've seen, if it weren't for the fact that you do have powers, they wouldn't want anything to do with you. I mean, would someone please explain to me why you were worth bringing back but my brother wasn't."  
  
  
"I sure can't," another voice said. Buffy looked past Bry to see Dawn approaching her, while saying, "If it were up to me, I would have had my mother brought back. But no one asked me. Typical."  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Reacting with nothing other then instinct, Xander threw himself and Buffy to the ground in time to only narrowly avoid being skewered by the spear. The weapon bounced off the ground with a thunk and skidded past him. As he looked up, a dark figure came down upon him in a blur, landing fewer than ten feet from him.  
  
  
And Buffy was still showing no signs of moving.  
  
  
The demon was gray skinned and wearing a black cloak. But the most distinguishing features were a series of bright blue streaks on his face. Whether they were natural markings or some form of face paint Xander didn't know, and frankly, at the moment, didn't care.  
  
  
What he did know and care about was that he needed to protect Buffy.  
  
  
Assuming that this was the Charm Demon that they were supposed to be hunting, Xander grabbed the long ceremonial silver dagger that Buffy had carried with her. Remembering from Willow's read out sheet that this demon would attempt to charm him with the powerful suggestion of his voice, Xander began to sing to block out any possible attempts from the demon to make him a slave.  
  
  
"This is the song that doesn't end!" He stood up, still singing, "Yes, it goes on-and-on, my friend!" He charged, trying to predict the demon's next move, all the while still singing, "Some people, started singing it, not knowing what it was!"  
  
  
The gray demon, dodged Xander's slashes from the dagger, jumping back constantly, in hopes of getting a little more space between them.  
  
  
And still Xander sung, "But they'll continue singing it forever, just because…"  
  
  
The demon caught the arm holding the dagger with a powerful grip. Without thinking, Xander launched a fist directly into the demon's face. Immediately, it let go of Xander and stumbled backward gracelessly.  
  
  
"This is the song that doesn't end!"  
  
  
Xander couldn't know that Buffy's hand had moved.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Buffy couldn't understand how her father could say such things to her. All this time she had thought that she had been doing a great job with Dawn. Granted, she had known that she could never take the place of their mother, but she never really tried to either. While sometimes the results were mixed, and it had been rocky in the beginning, it felt to her that they had been bonding.  
  
  
Her sister had been doing better. Truly better.  
  
  
So why would her father tell her these things?  
  
  
"Buffy!"  
  
  
"Huh?" Her thoughts had distracted her from her father's ramblings.  
  
  
"Oh, I can't believe this. No, wait, I can. How do you expect to be a good role model when you can't even listen to your own? Buffy, I can't do this anymore. I can't have you risking Dawn's welfare any longer."  
  
  
"Fight it," something inside Buffy told her. Something strong, commanding, and confident.  
  
  
"Buffy, pay attention! Can't you hear me?!? Don't you understand?!? I'm taking Dawn away!"  
  
  
"You're better than this," the voice said again.  
  
  
"Forget it! It's pointless talking to you!" Hank continued. "You're just an immature girl who's in way over her head! How could I possibly have expected you to change."  
  
  
"I believe in you," the voice said. But this time, it felt almost recognizable. She could feel a sense of respect that had been earned.  
  
  
And then… Buffy could take no more.  
  
  
"Dad!" Her father seemed surprised at her loud outburst. As if it was impossible for her to even think to speak against him. She spoke clearly and from the heart. "I can't be doing this, Dad. People need me, and talking to you is only distracting me from what I have to do."  
  
  
Her father seemed less substantial to her then. As if he was fading away into nothing.  
  
  
"I'm a great role model. Dawn loves me. She feels safe with me, and she wants to be with me."  
  
  
His image became darker, blurrier.  
  
  
"You're not taking her away."  
  
  
And then he was gone.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Gra-ul was starting to get concerned. He had expected to kill this man with the throw of his spear; thus allowing him to focus solely on breaking her will further. But the human was annoyingly persistent in fighting him. Normally, he would have used the power of his voice to plant powerful suggestions into the human's consciousness, but its annoying singing was eliminating that possibility. And what was even more frustrating was that he couldn't risk using his mental powers for fear of losing his control over the Slayer.  
  
  
He had to admit, this Slayer was stubborn. Even with his Talisman of Kenrok, which focused his ability to relay suggestion from words into a mental attack, he had only managed some headway into breaking her resistance.  
  
  
Nothing was going as he had planned.  
  
  
The human changed his slashing tactic into a stab. Gra-ul brought his arm done, in hopes of catching the weapon and wrenching it from the human's grip. But the attack had been a feint and the human yanked the weapon upward.  
  
  
And it still sang that annoying song.  
  
  
The dagger created a painful gash from his chin to the bottom of his thin, stretched lips. What was worse, for Gra-ul, was that the wound was accompanied by a painful burning.  
  
  
The human was using a silver dagger.  
  
  
Gra-ul's anger came out as an intense hissing roar. This human had gone beyond being a nuisance. He sent wave after wave of intense and powerful mental suggestion, hoping the earlier damage done to the Slayer would be enough to keep her from reviving long enough for him to destroy this human.  
  
  
As the human began to fall backward under his barrage, Gra-ul smiled again.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Buffy was no longer sure where she was. It was dark, but not altogether unfamiliar or unpleasant. She didn't feel safe exactly, but she didn't feel any danger either. No extremes… just existence.  
  
  
But that changed in an instant.  
  
  
Voices.  
  
  
They surrounded her, bombarding her with their words. Some pleasant. Some not.  
  
  
At first it was overwhelming, but something inside her allowed her to focus on one voice in particular. A strong, warm, loving voice. It didn't speak of fear, or of praise like many of the others did. This one simply was stating a truth over and over again.  
  
  
"You are worth it… You are worth it… You are worth it…"  
  
  
She focused on it even more, sensing the voice coming closer and closer. Until it was more than a voice. It was a person.  
  
  
A person she loved.  
  
  
"Mom?"  
  
  
"Hello, Buffy."  
  
  
She ran to her mother and embraced her, allowing their love to warm her in a way she hadn't felt in a long time. Something missed. Something needed. And in this embrace, it was given back to her.  
  
  
"Mom," she whispered, a hint of reverence in her voice. "Please tell me this is real."  
  
  
"As real as my love for you. Did you doubt that I loved you?"  
  
  
"Never." Buffy felt as if she had never said a truer thing in her life. And in her heart, she knew she hadn't.  
  
  
"Then never doubt that I am here." Joyce pulled back from her in order to face her daughter. "There's a lot you have to do. And you've been doing it, Buffy. But more is still left."  
  
  
Buffy sighed, "Yeah, I know. Destiny, right?"  
  
  
Joyce shook her head patiently. "No, Buffy… Life. You have life left to live. Your peace will come to you in the end, as it does for us all. But life is a gift. Appreciate it, and the people you share it with."  
  
  
Buffy frowned, "But Mom… The First Slayer, she said, she said that death was my gift."  
  
  
Now it was Joyce who was frowning. "I thought I told you not to let other people define who you are?" she said in a mock scold. "I know it feels as if your calling limits your choices, but you need to remember that there are others who get even less than what you have. Fight for them. Live a good life. Help your sister. Find yourself a future, if you can. Nothing is guaranteed for anyone, Buffy. Not even a Slayer's future. I guess what I'm trying to say is: make the most of the time you have, and try not to die again until I'm a grandmother." Joyce's mock frown had gradually twisted into a mischievous grin as she was speaking.  
  
  
Buffy felt an enormous peace spread throughout her, as a radiant smile graced her face. "You always did know exactly what to say, Mom."  
  
  
Joyce laughed warmly. "No, Buffy… You do. This place," she said while indicating their unusual surroundings, "is yours," she finished. "There's nothing here that you don't already have with you. I am here. As are everyone who ever touched your life. This is where you keep us. And we'll always be here when you need us, to guide you in the tough moments."  
  
  
And then the room seemed to be swirling around Buffy, and the faces of the voices that spoke of love to her, showed themselves.  
  
  
Buffy couldn't remember ever feeling more loved.  
  
  
But then… Light came.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
It was like a thousand firecrackers going off inside his head. His cranium felt as if it were about to burst. All of his greatest fears came to haunt him in one painful barrage after another.  
  
  
"Useless. Pathetic. Loser," the waves told him over and over again.  
  
  
He knew they were true. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to end it all. And that's when he noticed the dagger in his hand.  
  
  
"So easy. Just do it. The pain will all be over. Nothing left to live for anyway."  
  
  
The waves were right. He needed to end it. There was no point in fighting anymore. He only brought misery to the people he loved anyway. It would be better for everyone. And… so easy. All he had to do was lift the dagger up…  
  
  
Gra-ul kept up the mental attack, watching as the human took the dagger, lifted it up high…  
  
  
But then there was pain. He fell to the ground, his concentration broken. He only had time turn himself around, before the Slayer angrily kicked him away. His body spun in the air from the force of the blow.  
  
  
He didn't see the tree before he crashed into it.  
  
  
"Leave him alone."  
  
  
Gra-ul spat blood. What had been inflicted upon him wouldn't kill him; but that didn't, however, stop it from hurting any less. And pain clouded his concentration. Slayers were naturally immune to the power of the Nayii-Ke's voice and even with his Talisman of Kenrok, it took focused power to weaken her. In his state, he could not directly attack her and hope to win.  
  
  
As he contemplated fleeing, he saw that the human who attacked him earlier was still in his trance, the dagger poised high in the air, awaiting the final command to finish it. He also noticed that the Slayer saw this as well.  
  
  
A direct attack would fail. But perhaps an indirect attack…  
  
  
"Xander? What are you doing with the knife?" There was no small amount of fear in her voice.  
  
  
"I wouldn't do anything rash, Slayer. He's fully under my control," Gra-ul said once he had stood up. He honestly ached from the Slayer's attack, but what hurt the worst was the cut on his face that the human had given him with the silver dagger.  
  
  
Buffy turned to him, with angry passion in her eyes. "Leave him alone."  
  
  
"I think I'll hold onto my trump card, thank you." Buffy glared at him some more but didn't move further. "Good. Now walk away and I'll release your boyfriend."  
  
  
Buffy scoffed, "Please! Like I'd fall for that!… And… besides… he's not my boyfriend," she finished rather lamely.  
  
  
"True. But you want him. You ache for him. I can feel it." While Buffy was acting brave, her emotions gave themselves away to Gra-ul. "Why don't you tell him how you feel now. He can hear you. He can't really understand, but he can hear you."  
  
  
"I know you're planning on your psycho-babble mojo to have me quaking in my boots, but I'm afraid you're forgetting one thing."  
  
  
Gra-ul smiled, amused at the brave front she was putting up and deciding to play along. "Oh, and what's that?"  
  
  
"Slayers think on their feet." Buffy's foot kicked up Gra-ul's forgotten spear. While it was in the air she caught it and threw it at him.  
  
  
His eyes widened as he gave the command for Xander to kill himself. Then the spear pierced him.  
  
  
After throwing the spear, Buffy didn't bother to see whether it landed or not. Instead she ran as fast as her legs could move toward Xander. When he was only inches away from plunging the blade down into his stomach, Buffy caught the dagger with one hand and then punched him with the other.  
  
  
Gra-ul's sudden loss of concentration broke a hole in the trance upon Xander. His hand still clutched the dagger; however, and as he fell backwards from Buffy's punch, the dagger sliced her hand. She cried out in pain. Buffy's pain allowed him something else to focus on for a second.  
  
  
Gra-ul ripped the spear from his shoulder and began to limp away from the Slayer, not having any interest in dieing that night.  
  
  
Buffy turned to Xander wanting to take the dagger from his hands before he tried to kill himself again, but he surprised her by winking at her and then tossing the dagger up to her.  
  
  
She caught it, flipped it so that she was holding the blade, winked at him in turn and then spun on her heels to face the fleeing demon. She threw the silver dagger.  
  
  
End over end it spun until it found demon flesh. Gra-ul looked down in his chest to see a metal tip sticking out. As he fell to his knees and felt the same burning that he felt on his face, he knew that he was not getting up again.  
  
  
"Slayer," he yelled. "His light… will never take you away from the darkness."  
  
  
"Yeah, yeah," she said quietly. She turned toward Xander and helped him up. "Are you okay?"  
  
  
"A small headache, and the world's spinning a little more than usual, but other than that…" He tried to walk but lost his balance and tripped into Buffy's arms, his face only inches away from hers. He gave her a small lazy smile in gratitude. "On second thought, walking may be an issue for a few minutes."  
  
  
Buffy smiled at him, and looked into his eyes, feeling a lot braver than she had recently. "That's okay, Xand. My head's spinning a little too."  
  
  
  
******To*Be*Continued******  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Wayne who sent me the absolute coolest feedback ever.  
  
**Ooohhhhhhh, you just know there's a possible installment of a fresh chapter when an author start's REPOSTING their previous effort.   
  
**And trust me this is a story worth reading. So all of you out there who have not had the opportunity to read this piece, put aside an hour of your time and please do so. And for all you B/X fan's who have, stop what you're doing and re-fresh your memories. So few B/X pieces are able to combine angst, humor and drama so effortlessly. Ray has a talent of getting into the head of his subjects (B & X) and invent a realistic storyline and dialogue that is believable to the characters portrayed on BtVS.   
  
**So catch up on the "WDIFIYL" series, you can't go wrong....this is Ray here after all!  
  
**Keep the Faith - Wayne  
  
**Sunday, March 10, 2002  
  
I don't think I've ever felt better to be a writer then after I read that. Thank you so much, Wayne. I was going to put this little dedication at the top but since everyone tends to skip the headers… You know who you are… I felt it would be better appreciated here.  
  
Ray Rivera, aka Wicked Raygun 


	6. Part Five

TITLE: Where Do I Fit In Your Life? (5/?)  
  
AUTHOR: Wicked Raygun  
  
E-MAIL: wicked_raygun@hotmail.com  
  
SUMMARY: Is it worth the risk to tell someone how you feel, when they might not feel the same way?  
  
RATING: TV-14. No worse then what's on the show  
  
SPOILERS: Up to "The Gift" and then it goes on its merry way into an alternate universe. I started this puppy LONG before season 6 started and although I did use a few possible spoilers they're no biggies.  
  
DISCLAIMOR: I refuse to believe this is necessary. Does anyone here actually believe I own this stuff in any way? Well. To the folks who do own a piece of the Buffster and/or her friends and enemies, I mean you no harm. I'm simply borrowing your toys to put on a little puppet show. I promise to bring them all back in near-mint condition. Even Spike.  
  
FEEDBACK: Everyone needs a little love. It makes the world go round and writers post faster.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'd like to take this time to thank everyone who's given me feedback throughout this endeavor. It means a lot to me and I thank you all from my heart. It makes me feel special. So without further ado. Thanks to (In no particular order): C-Man, Ozmandayus, Danii, Tim Creecy, Jarrod Harmier, Xandman2000, Kenneth Carter, Stone Cold, Chorlton, Darkdyer, Jennifer L. Hallmark, Michael aka Mutant, Socrates, Jason W. Thompson, Wayne, Bob Regent, Brooke H., Lynne, Zauriel Angelus, Jai L, Varthan, Calen, Top Quark, Lisa, Red, Faith, Bolo, Jane, Furious George, Kris, and last but not least Seth5095.  
  
Also a special mention to Krisseth2000, who seems to really, really like this story. Thank you for the feedback.  
  
If I have missed anyone please e-mail me off list. I tried to track down everyone I could, but I may have missed some people. The search at the BX_Fanfic archive isn't the greatest out there.  
  
This chapter was beta-read by C-Man. Thanks, bud. You came through for me in a pinch.  
  
By the way, for anybody who needs a refresher or is coming into this new you can find the rest of this story at fanfiction.net, located here:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=79383  
  
Well, usually, you can, anyway. Fanfiction.net has been ticking me off as of late and I would seriously like a more reliable place to point to for folks who are coming into this new. So if anybody has any ideas or suggestions, I'm all ears.  
  
Anyways, onto the show.  
  
  
  
********** Part Five **********  
  
  
  
"If you ask me, it's just plain inconsiderate," Xander said, as he hefted a shovel full of dirt onto a growing pile behind him.  
  
"What is, Xand?" Buffy asked as she wiped some of the accumulated sweat from her brow.  
  
"Well," he elaborated while placing his foot onto his shovel, allowing his weight to push it even further into the earth, "We go through all that trouble to kill what should have been a relatively easy demon, remind me, by the way, to cancel Willow's birthday present, and the sucker doesn't even bother to just, you know, poof." He then hefted another shovel full of dirt behind him.  
  
"Ah, yes, burial detail: not one of the more attractive parts of what we do. Oh, and I don't think Willow researched the wrong demon." Buffy brought her shovel back down to begin digging also.  
  
"Excuse me?" he said, his voice laden in sarcasm. "If I recall correctly, Nike Boy here wasn't supposed to be able to affect slayers with their power voice thingy. I happen to consider catatonia pretty affecting."  
  
"Yes well, Willow didn't account for him to having of these," she said smugly as she brought into view an odd looking necklace with what looked to be a green Chinese dragon on it.  
  
"Aw, come on, Buff, what makes you think that thing had anything to do with it?"  
  
"Well, look at it. It's so pretty. Demons don't tend to make with the bold fashion statements. He probably used it to put the extra special whammy on us."  
  
"So because it's pretty and on the corpse of a demon it must be magical?"  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"Works for me. Although, I think my share of the whammy was less wham and more bam."  
  
Buffy stopped digging then, concern in her voice as she said, "Xand, seriously, if your head still hurts, then maybe you should stop. I can take care of this. There's no need to act all macho."  
  
Xander looked at her, his expression sincere. "What would that say about me, if I just let you do this alone? Especially after what I did to your hand." Buffy was silently thankful for not having been completely facing Xander as a sad, shy smile graced her face. "Besides," he continued more lightheartedly, " as the saying goes, a friend will help you move, but a really good friend will help you move a body."  
  
Buffy stopped her digging and started laughing. She felt her heart warm when Xander flashed her a quick grin as he lifted himself up to throw more dirt behind him. As her laughter started to die down she paused to think about what he had said. "Boy, how scary is it that that saying actually applies to our lives?"  
  
"I prefer not to think about it." He turned to her and said in a very serious tone, "Never doubt the power of denial; especially, here."  
  
"Yeah, no kidding. If this town's so oblivious, why are we doing this again?"  
  
"Because during the day this place is a public park where little kids play, and we'd like to avoid traumatizing them until they hit puberty."  
  
Buffy paused again. "I forget about those things sometimes," she said, the humor gone from her voice.  
  
"Yeah," Xander said, sensing the mood, "I know what you mean." He placed his hands on top of the shovel and leaned on it. "I never came to this park before slaying. There was another one closer to my house where me, Wills, and Jess, spent most of our time. It's hard to think about kids playing here, after the things we've seen." His tone was reflective, with a hint of buried pain.  
  
Buffy knew which park he had spoken of. She had, after all, spent time there searching for vampires and other assorted demons. A shiver traveled down her spine as she imagined a younger Xander and Willow playing in a place where she killed monsters. Most people associated parks with a nostalgia and longing for the simpler times where fun and mischief were the orders of the day. But not her. No, unlike most people, she saw jungle gyms and slides and the first thought that came to her mind was how to take strategic advantage of them.  
  
She sighed, mourning a normality of youth that had been denied her. But this time, she knew not to dwell on it. Truly, her worst enemy was self pity. There were others out there with much less happiness to remember when they reflect upon their youth then her.  
  
Others like Xander, perhaps?  
  
"Xander?"  
  
"Yeah?" She turned to see him staring at her with worry in his eyes. It occurred to her that she had been quiet for a while, and his concern made her smile warmly.  
  
"Tell me about your family."  
  
Xander flinched; only slightly, and, perhaps, had she not been paying attention she wouldn't have noticed it. But it was there. And the way his hand gripped the shovel he was holding even tighter then he had before hurt her.  
  
"Well, uh, why. Uh, what made you ask that?" The hitch in his voice signaled to Buffy that he was uncomfortable talking about this subject. That, of course, only made her resolve to assure that he did all the greater.  
  
"You never talk about them. Why?"  
  
"I-I'm sure I've mentioned them," he said defensively. He bent over to start shoveling again, his erratic and ungraceful movements a far cry from the practiced ease that she saw him use earlier.  
  
"Xander, you don't have to tell me about them. I just wish you would."  
  
"Buffy, there's nothing to talk about. I just. don't get along with them," he said with his face down, feigning concentration on his digging.  
  
Buffy stepped forward, her hand coming up to cup his cheek in her palm. He looked up at her.  
  
When he saw the concern in her eyes a part of him felt weak. "Buffy, please don't."  
  
"Don't what?"  
  
"Look at me like that," he said quietly. Xander noticed that what he had said hurt her, and quickly supplied an explanation. "What I meant was," he started off slowly, "don't look at me like I'm some sort of charity case. I don't like people's pity."  
  
"So there is something to pity?" she tried to pry from him.  
  
"Buffy, please. drop it." There was a tone of finality to his tone, as well as desperation. He obviously hadn't meant to get as emotional as he had.  
  
She decided that she could respect that. for now.  
  
"Alright, Xander, I can see this is making you uncomfortable, but can you, at least, promise me that some day you will?"  
  
After a pause, Xander nodded. And then, to his surprise, she hugged him. It wasn't long before he responded by doing the same.  
  
"Wasn't I mad at you or something?" Xander joked.  
  
"I think I remember some unpleasantness," she said with a smile.  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Let's bury this sucker and get some pizza."  
  
"Okay."  
  
It was a while before they broke away from each other to do that.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Removing the silver dagger from the demon's torso was more of an experience than the chore it seemed it would be. After a long tug, along with some wiggling and twisting, the weapon came free, but not alone. It was accompanied by an unnecessary, in Xander's opinion, amount of bluish-green fluid. Apparently he had knocked loosed an artery. After the gushing had stopped he was thoroughly covered in the stuff from his waist on up.  
  
And there was dripping.  
  
That was more than an enough to put a person off. Of course, Buffy's raucous laughter hadn't helped his mood much either.  
  
Then he had to survive Buffy's driving, since the goo made grasping things firmly, such as steering wheels, nearly impossible; and, although, Buffy had greatly improved since her nearly legendary days of driving mayhem back in high school, every bump and tire skid put a strain on his heart. He was, in fact, quite sure that it had actually stopped back at that sharp curve on Rosary Drive leading to the Pizza Barn.  
  
At least while Buffy was ordering he had the opportunity to clean his hands and face in the bathroom. But he did not envy the poor soul who would have to clean that stuff off the floor and sink. Minimum wage simply wasn't enough money for crises like that.  
  
So one large supreme pizza later, they were back on the road and heading for his apartment, Buffy's driving distracting him from fantasies about soap and shower heads.  
  
But what really drove him to the brink of insanity was the fact that his left shoe began to squish and slurp with each step when they reached his building. It wasn't enough that as it dried, the blood was becoming crunchy and developing a weird odor. No, some of it had to drip into his shoe and slosh. It was a long walk up the stairs, especially with Buffy constantly snickering and making comments about him looking like a Ghostbuster.  
  
Of course his threatening to bear-hug her shut her up. The threat had worked so well, in fact, that he silently chastised himself for not making it earlier.  
  
When they reached the door to his apartment he waited as patiently as he could for Buffy to open his door. Of course, Buffy had to be a brat again and feign trouble opening it. So far today he had spent the majority of his work day in an unthinking stupor, found himself caught in the middle of a high school love triangle, had an uncomfortable yet important conversation with Buffy, followed by nearly getting killed and then on top of that, he looked and felt like a Smurf threw up on him. It had been an eventful day and he was tired, hungry and willing to commit murder for a shower.  
  
Xander was about to say something snotty to her when she winked and smiled at him. Suddenly his anger just didn't have a foothold anymore, and all he could do was smile back and admit to himself that were the positions reversed he would doubtless do the same to her.  
  
He also made a mental note to plot his revenge. After all, he had a reputation to protect.  
  
Buffy, for her part, was thoroughly enjoying Xander's misfortune. It was a welcome distraction from the butterflies in her stomach. Plus she couldn't get over the fact of how adorable his indignation looked on him. She even found his muttering to be cute. A sure sign that she had been hit hard by his charms.  
  
After opening the door, she allowed Xander to walk in first and hit the lights. He then cursed as he realized that his light switch now had a hand- sized dollop of blue goo. She failed in trying to stifle her laughter, a few mumbled giggles escaping from her lips. When Xander turned around looking upset with her, she burst out laughing, finally unable to control it any longer. Buffy smiled half-apologetically and smirked when he started away mumbling and shaking his head.  
  
Giving her a welcome view of his lower backside.  
  
"I'm gonna take a shower okay, Buff," he announced as he started removing his shirt. Her eyes went wide and she tried to not notice his newly exposed upper body. As he was turning to face her, she attempted to look as if she wasn't the least bit affected by his near nakedness.  
  
"Buff?" he asked. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"Huh?" Then she realized that she hadn't actually responded to his previous statement, having been preoccupied with trying to not look like a pervert. "Uh, no. Nothing at all. I'm completely fine."  
  
"Okay." The word left his mouth in a long drawl, peppered with a hint of curiosity and amusement. "In that case, why don't you."  
  
Buffy had no earthly clue what it was he was saying because as he spoke he started undoing his black leather belt. That sent the part of her brain she wasn't proud of into super hyper-activity. When he had finished talking she nodded and walked toward the counter, hoping he had said something about leaving the pizza there.  
  
When she heard the shower turn on in Xander's bathroom, she mumbled quietly to herself, "Things just got complicated."  
  
Buffy was suddenly craving a drink. Hoping that he wouldn't mind, she took a beer from his fridge and started sipping from it, as visions of a naked, showering Xander played havoc on her mind. She wasn't a big drinker. In fact, she rarely ever indulged herself that way. Her supernatural experience with alcohol was not one she enjoyed reminiscing about but it had taught her to drink in moderation.  
  
She was starting to wonder whether or not she should tell him her feelings this night. What she had hoped would be a relatively easy patrol had turned into a night of revelations and near-death mishaps. She had seen her mother that night. Granted, it was supposed to be a mere manifestation of her own memories of her. but Buffy had to believe that it was more than that. And in any case it was much more real than any dream; she could even remember her mother's scent when they hugged.  
  
It had been an emotional night. It had, in fact, been an emotional day, and Buffy was reluctant to press her luck so much so soon. But on the other hand, she had vowed to herself that she would tell Xander her feelings, and she had to admit that since the fight with the charm demon, she felt more courageous about doing that than she ever had, since admitting to herself that she wanted more from her friend.  
  
In the end, she opted for a compromise. She and Xander would talk about the important things they had planned on talking about, and if her feelings came up.  
  
She sighed and took another sip of her beer, which was now a little warm. Xander appeared from around the corner of the hall and she lowered her bottle slowly to look at him. He was barefoot and wearing a gray t-shirt with black sweat pants. His hair was damp and a bead of water cascaded down the side of his neck to a place hidden by his shirt.  
  
"Hi," she said.  
  
He looked at her and then the unopened pizza box with a small frown. "Hey. Uh, I thought I said you could go ahead and start without me."  
  
Momentary panic gripped her but she shook it off quickly with a small half- lie. "Well, I just sort of wanted to get a drink first. Hope that's okay with you."  
  
His eyebrow rose. "Well, yeah. I said you could help yourself, remember?"  
  
"Must've slipped my mind," she said sheepishly.  
  
"Oh, I get it." He walked over to the pizza box, and opened it, speaking the whole time, his voice more confident and less suspicious. "Distracted, huh?"  
  
She hoped he didn't hear her gulp.  
  
"I know exactly how you feel," he continued. "I've been wondering what exactly we're supposed to talk about tonight too. I mean, it just suddenly seems so." He struggled for a moment trying to find a word to exactly fit the situation, but finding none just gave up that line of thought. "Well, the bottom line is I'm worried about you."  
  
Buffy put the beer down, giving Xander her full, focused attention. She kept eye-contact with him, hoping to see some motive behind his worry that extended beyond friendship. Something she had thought lost to her a long time ago.  
  
"You've been better lately, but when you first. came back you were so distant. Not just from me, but from everyone. Dawn was worried about you. Willow was worried about you. Heck, I'm sure Bry would have been worried if he knew you before."  
  
Buffy's head bowed and looked thoughtful for a minute before she looked up again, a decision having been made. "Xander," she asked slowly, "do you ever wonder about. the after-life."  
  
Sensing where this might be going he answered truthfully and seriously. "Sometimes. After someone we know dies. Yeah, it definitely takes center stage of my thinking. But at other times, not so much."  
  
She nodded. "Are you religious?"  
  
"No, not really. I mean my folks were Episcopalian but weren't what you'd call practicing. Actually, the only times I ever went to a religious service were a few times with Willow and her folks to temple. So, technically, I might be Jewish."  
  
"Do you believe in heaven?"  
  
His mouth dropped at the implication. The only reason he had helped Willow was because she had convinced him that Buffy might be in hell. The thought that they might have torn her away from heaven terrified him. Figuring he owed Buffy his honesty, he tried to answer her question.  
  
"Well, I- I like to hope that there's a better place after this. But. I don't know, I just try not to think about it too much."  
  
"Yeah, I never really gave it much thought myself until after I sent Angel to hell. And even then. After Mom died was when I really started to wonder about it. I just needed to believe that someone as good as her would go someplace beautiful."  
  
There was a long silence.  
  
Xander broke it.  
  
"Is that- Is that where you were? In heaven?"  
  
She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't actually remember anything about where I went. But sometimes I'll get this empty feeling. Like. Like something's missing. And I don't know what it is, I just know that. it was something wonderful that's not there anymore. A part of me that I can't have anymore." She went around the counter craving his presence. "It's like when you're outside and it's bright, really, really bright and you go back inside and everything just looks so."  
  
"Dark," he finished for her.  
  
She nodded and a tear fell from her eye. "It was really hard to deal with in the beginning. I kept waking up, sweating and shaking from dreams about nothing. I mean, literally, nothing. No images just. And it. hurt."  
  
Buffy stood there in front of him, more frightened then Xander could ever remember seeing her be. The need to comfort her washed over him like a wave breaking on the shore. He moved toward her and embraced her. As he spoke, he softly stroked her back, showing her love and comfort. "You could have come to me. I would've helped you. I would've done. something."  
  
She just held him.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
In life there comes a time when there is simply nothing else a person can do. It happens everyday and is as inevitable as the end of life itself. There is no changing it. Eventually, no matter how much one's honor, or misery, or sense of duty fights against it, there comes a time to stop. No more tears to shed; no more secrets to keep; no more battles to fight. The long, foreboding tunnel has been passed and light once again shines through.  
  
Important things come in cycles. Homes will burn; bridges will collapse; buildings will topple. Then comes sorrow and condemnation. And then, in the moments afterward there is an awkward and enlightening acknowledgement of that time's completion. It is a moment of peace and reflection that humanity does not entertain as often as it should.  
  
This is called acceptance.  
  
What's done is done. It is past. Over. Time to sweep away the ashes, survey the wreckage, and pick up the shattered pieces.  
  
Life will carry on, in its relatively innocent and seemingly mundane way, until tragedy decides to rear its head again.  
  
Buffy had shared a secret fear to Xander that night. One that had plagued her and made her unconsciously bitter. The emotions, long repressed, came into the light and over-whelmed her. Then Xander held her. Pain turned into comfort. Comfort into security. Security into longing.  
  
They broke the embrace, acknowledged the hurdle for what it was, rekindled their mutual respect and appreciation, and accepted the moment.  
  
Then they let it pass. They laughed, breaking the serious moment with light- hearted banter. Buffy took the pizza, Xander opened a bottle of cheap wine, and they sat in the middle of his carpeted floor, at complete ease with one another.  
  
That was hours ago. What pizza was left over from the initial feeding had gone cold only to be reheated when their hunger returned.  
  
"I gotta say that this has been a lot more fun, then I though it would be," Xander said as he reached for the last slice.  
  
"Are you saying I'm usually boring," Buffy said around a mouthful of pizza.  
  
Xander laughed. "Oh, God no," he said lightly. "Of the many things that you are, boring is not one of them. Never was and never going to be."  
  
She swallowed her food. "Okay, then what am I?"  
  
He grinned. "Oh, no, no, no. I'm not going down that easy. I've been around you womenfolk long enough to know a trap when I see one. Whatever I say you'll find a way to twist it around so you can get upset and hit me on the arm."  
  
"Are you saying I'm over-reactive?" She then hit him on the arm, a smug look of satisfaction on her face.  
  
Xander just smiled as he feigned a pained grunt, and rubbed his arm. "Actually, I was thinking more like abusive."  
  
"Whiner."  
  
"Look who's talking?"  
  
"And what is that supposed to mean?" she asked in a humorously over- dignified voice.  
  
"Nothing." His smile betrayed his innocent demeanor. "I was alluding to nothing."  
  
She smiled back at him.  
  
Although the evening had not turned into the type of soul-baring event she had planned it to be, Buffy really couldn't find a way to be disappointed. After revealing her terrifying theory as to where she was before being resurrected, she had spent a long, wonderful and comforting moment in Xander's arms.  
  
And then she knew the truth in her heart. What she felt for him went beyond a selfish desire to not feel alone; beyond mere curiosity; beyond the normal flittering pangs of fear that accompanied a typical crush. It was a genuine longing to know that man. His secrets, his fears, his passions, all that was Xander, she craved. To her, he was a tangible answer to the immortal question: Why?  
  
Why risk?  
  
Why fight?  
  
Why love?  
  
Just. Why?  
  
She had a purpose now: to learn as much about him as she possibly could. There was no longer any fear about what she would find. Whatever his feelings were regarding her, he would stand by her as a friend. She knew that and loved him all the more for it.  
  
There was no denying it to herself anymore. She was in love with him.  
  
"Well, okay what have we talked about so far?" Buffy asked, feeling warm next to him on the floor, an open pizza box sitting merely a foot away from them, and a cup, not a glass, of wine in her hand.  
  
"Oh, God," Xander moaned, theatrically, "I lost count two slices ago."  
  
"And yet you can keep track of how much pizza you've eaten." She took a sip of the inexpensive wine, or as Xander had called it, 'the expensive grape juice.'  
  
"A man never forgets the important things. Which reminds me, strange blonde- woman, what is your name again? It's been on the tip of my tongue all night."  
  
She never spit out her wine; an "Mmph," noise escaped her lips, and with great self-control, she remembered to swallow first. "Ass!" Her tone wasn't upset, just amused.  
  
"Okay, okay, fine. A man would have to be mentally unbalanced to forget anything about you, especially, your lovely name. Better?"  
  
"Much," she said amused.  
  
"Like anyone could forget your name was 'Bunny,' anyway."  
  
The banter had been volleying back and fourth like that all night, and Buffy was loving every minute of it.  
  
"Do you just want me to hurt you?"  
  
"Given the amount of alcohol I've ingested, I refuse to answer that question."  
  
The grin that followed gave her the impression that he knew something she didn't and given the general mischievous yet light-hearted atmosphere of the evening that couldn't lead to any good for her. Possible revenge for the fun she had at his expense earlier in the evening. Not that she was going to give him the satisfaction of thinking that he had unnerved her.  
  
Buffy just wasn't put together that way.  
  
"My friend, the masochist." She gave him a far too wide smile that she used from time to time when slaying. It generally tended to spark fear in the average vampire, and the few times she'd used it on him, in Xander as well.  
  
"My friend, the Woman-with-pizza-sauce-on-her-face."  
  
Buffy immediately started to check her face but stopped, when Xander just started chuckling loudly. Game, set and match to Xander, she thought. She felt a little sheepish, but vowed to get him back immediately, thus continuing the strange game they had been playing for the better part of a night. But before she could begin her verbal counterstrike, Xander had stopped laughing suddenly and was suddenly looking over her to the sliding- door window.  
  
"What?" she said as she turned around seeing what was behind her. And she saw it.  
  
The morning's first rays were just peaking over the horizon of suburban homes in the distance that made up the majority of Sunnydale's residential areas, stretching to hit the far points of the surface of the earth and all the while bouncing off the clouds in the sky creating a dazzling mixture of bright purple, dark red and vibrant orange. Everything that stood against this solar event on the ground cast immensely large shadows that seemed to stretch as far as the light, creating a beautiful and striking contrast between the two opposing entities.  
  
Buffy had seen sunrises before, but this one was special because she was sharing it with Xander. Not only that, but she was sharing it with him after having reached the mature decision that she was in love with him.  
  
That makes all the difference in the world.  
  
"Were we talking here that long?" Xander's awed question remained unanswered. Buffy was simply speechless for the moment.  
  
She was enjoying her view of the sunrise when it was obscured by Xander who walked past her and toward the terrace window. The sunlight directly in front of him made all detail on him impossible to discern. His silhouette seemed large and imposing in the trick of light and shadow, but his slow, deliberate movements towards the sunrise showed a subtle grace to his body that she had never appreciated before now.  
  
Buffy stood up, and waited there reverently watching his enchanted fascination with the light from behind him, wondering what thoughts were going through his mind at that moment. She watched as Xander stepped out onto the terrace, the sunlight greeting him with its warm rays, and once again illuminating his features for her. He held up his hand to his eyes and turned his head, seemingly humbled by the beauty of it all. But only for a moment did he stay that way. His arm lowered; his head faced the light.  
  
There was a moment where he just took it all in, oblivious to anything else. Then he turned toward her and frowned.  
  
"What are you doing in the dark, Buffy?" His lips turned upward slightly. "Come on. Embrace the day." He raised his hand toward her, palm up, his finger loose, beckoning her to join him.  
  
Everything about the scene before her humbled her, and she hesitated.  
  
Only for a moment.  
  
She stepped forward and took his hand in her own, and waited as he gentlemanly pulled her out onto the terrace and into the light with him.  
  
Xander smiled at her then, allowing her hand to slip from his softly, went back to looking at the sunrise. "Beautiful, isn't it? It's been a while since I watched one of these." He moved to the railing and placed his hands on it to support his weight as he leaned forward a little.  
  
"One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen," she whispered, not looking at the sunrise.  
  
"Why are you so quiet?" He looked at her, concern evident in his eyes.  
  
"I'm just taking it all in," her voice returned to it's normal volume yet still sounding awed.  
  
He nodded then smiled, which then turned into chuckling and then halting laughter.  
  
"What?" she asked, amused.  
  
"You really do have pizza sauce on your face."  
  
Her smile disappeared as she started checking the wrong side of her face. Xander chuckled once before moving his hand up to catch the offending substance with his thumb on her cheek just to the side of the corner of her mouth.  
  
Buffy stared into his eyes and her smile returned.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~***~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Across Sunnydale, Bry looked on at the same sunrise from his window, with a mixture of awe and sadness. He turned away and finished tightening the tie around his neck. After making his bed, which he did extra slowly, finding an odd comfort in the daily ritual, he left his room and made his way downstairs, where his mother was waiting for him.  
  
She took one look at him, and with no element of flattery but no small amount of awe to her voice, she told him, "You look so grown up."  
  
Bry smiled a little before walking to her. "Come on, Mom. Let's go see Danny." He offered his arm to her and she accepted it.  
  
  
  
******To*Be*Continued******  
  
  
  
Well ladies and gentlemen, that's all for part five. Thanks for supporting this story. I really appreciate any and all feedback. They give me warm tingly feelings.  
  
Part six will come out. Well, soon I hope.  
  
Ray Rivera, aka Wicked Raygun  
  
  
  
--To have faith in your own path, there is no need to prove that another's is wrong.--  
  
Paulo Coelho, author of "Manual del Querrero de la Luz" Translated from Spanish by Raynaldo Rivera 


End file.
